Signing Off

Well this is it.
The end of the road for me and this blog.

It has been my safety blanket.
A place for me to vent all my thoughts and feelings.
To question myself and to reflect on my actions.

It has helped me get thru some tough times.

I once poured my emotions into these pages because holding on to them would have over whelmed me.
But my time of reflection is over now.
I don't need to look back anymore.

I want to look forward... I want to move on.

What once helped guide me is now holding me back.
So it's time for me to let go.

No more living in the past... just living.

I'm gonna be ok :D

This is me... signing off

Standing Still

It is our past that makes us who we are today.

Good and bad.

I've been living in the past for far too long and it's been stopping me from moving into my future.

I've let allot of shit go.
At first it was a relief... it felt good... and things got better.
There isn't the longing... the yearning feeling I once had... and yet I find that I still miss some of the things I left behind.

I'm at a crossroads.

I am so close to something I can taste it.
One more step forward and  it's mine.

Just one more step.

I'm torn between moving on for good or taking a step back.

So for now I find myself here... standing still

Redefine

It's been a while since I've been back here.
A lot has happened... it seems like things are actually coming together.

In earlier posts I have expressed that I've felt like concrete... set in my ways... but theres been a big shift lately, a massive shake up.
I've gone thru all the usual phases... hurt and pain, mourning and reflection, rebuilding, losing hope and finding it again, second chances and letting things go.

All the pieces are falling into place.
It's been a hard road but it feels as if this leg of the journey is almost over.
I feel content in myself and I haven't felt like that in a long time.

Don't get me wrong I still need a lot of work :P but I've made so much progress.
I'm on the home stretch... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel

I'm no longer living in the past nor am I fearful of the future.
I'm ready to start living here and now.

Loving this song right now... the lyrics really speak to me.

2 Days

I lost my phone on Thursday night.

I was having dinner with my ex, the one whom I've become close with again, the wolf in sheeps clothing.
Not wanting to ruin the night I thought nothing of it at the time, until I realised I'd lost more than just a phone.

I'd lost all my contacts, including the number of a certain Japanese gentleman.

I didn't realise how much I wanted to call him until... I couldn't call him.

You think I'd know the number off by heart or have it written down somewhere, or have some other means of being able to contact him but I don't.

I began to panic.

"What if he thinks I'm ignoring him"?

Surely not... surely he knows me well enough to know I wouldn't do that.

Who am I kidding.

He does know me and I would do that :P

The panic was setting in.

What should I do?

I don't want him to think I'm ignoring him but I don't want him to get the idea that I miss him or anything like that.
That would mean I have "feelings" for him... am I ready to acknowledge that?

Maybe he will think I'm avoiding him because I don't want to go to the gym.

Then he'll think I'm lazy... I don't want him to think I'm lazy... why I am concerned with what he thinks of me?

Should I meet him when he finishes work? oh shit I forgot when he's working this week.

I would go to his place but, I don't want to show up unannounced, that would be rude.

Besides what if he has someone over there.
Why do I care if he has someone over there?

It's not like we're together.
Why do I care if he's not my boyfriend?

After this long winded train of thought 2 things have become clear to me.

1. Apparently I do care.

and

2. It's been 2 days and I miss him.

Gone

I was in the city today having lunch with friends and a few drinks with my class mates.

Rebound guy had contacted me recently and we'd exchanged numbers and txts.
I'm not sure why but I messaged him and we ended up meeting.

It was strange seeing him again.

All the feelings that lingered, the way I used to react when he was around were gone.
There was no spark, no chemistry.

Perhaps it's because I still carry baggage when it comes to him.
Part of the reason I have chosen to remain distant, apart from the obvious hurt is that I didnt want him to see me bitter.
I didnt want to be that way and I knew that being around him would bring that out in me.

I haven't seen him since last year.
I was worried when I saw him but my fears were unfounded... there was no bitterness.

But there was no connection either.

He has a great life now. He's been working a steady job and he has had a partner for the last 6 months.
He is happy and I am happy for him.

But... what ever it was we had is gone.
There was no flow anymore.

Everything was a real effort like trying to make small talk with a stranger when your not really interested in what they are saying.

I'm sad.

I had really missed him... but the man I knew is gone.
He's grown up, he's moved on... and here I am living in the past trying to re-capture something I'm not sure ever really existed.

I still love him and wish him the best but there is no feeling anymore.
It is worth trying to re-build a friendship with someone who I was once so close with or is it better to just let it go... only time will tell.

Perspective

This week I've learnt alot about myself.

Thanks to the advise of two very insightful individuals.

Both are distant cousins of mine.
Both are people I respect and admire.

One is like a sister to me... the other I have only just met.
They shared their views of love and life.

It seems I've become concrete... set in my ways... standing still watching everyones else pass me by.
You both really made me open my eyes.

One of you forced me to really look at myself... what it is I want out of life and where I'm going.
The other reminded me to believe... that in a world where everything is fucked up unjaded eyes give hope.

Confronting, and an unclouded innocent perspective.

Jamie
I love you. You are one of my best friends... You know me so well.
You know that once I love someone... when I trust someone enough to really let them in... I never let them go. So I guess that means your stuck with me.
I hope you can turn your insight and that big heart of yours back in on yourself.
You are so much stronger than you know.

Thank you for making me see myself.

and...

Tyrone
It seems you've had a lot of life experience or maybe you just have an old soul.
You are wise beyond your years yet still young and naive.
You gave this old dogg perspective.
It's nice to see things with unjaded eyes... it's been a long time.
I envy you. You are beautiful inside and out. I hope that life is kind to you and that you never lose your way.

Thank you for reminding me of where I came from.

Grey

I miss the simple life.
Back when things were less complicated.

You know the good old days when everything was black & white.

When you knew who you liked... and who you didn't like.
When you loved one person unconditionally and without question.

Am I longing for a bygone era that never really existed?

Is the price of being self aware a blurring of the lines?

All I know for sure is I'm confused.

I should love this guy who actually loves me.
I care a great deal about this man and I could see myself falling in love with him if I let it happen...

But if it is real, should I be able to turn off those feelings so easily?
Thats not my perception of what love is... or at least what I think it's supposed to be.
Maybe my "definition" is in need of an update.

I have cooled things off to the point where we are now just friends.
I am aware that he still wants more but he pretends he's ok with being just friends and I pretend not to notice.
Recently we have been spending more and more time together were even gym buddies now.

I have been seriously considering going to uni next year... the only thing really holding me back is the money.
We were talking about it over coffee last week and he offered to pay for me.
I instantly threw out the idea but he was very persistant.
I only managed to get him to back off by telling him I'd think about it.

I am not at all comfortable with letting him pay for me.
It would be different if we were in a relationship but we aren't.

I would feel obligated or that I owe him more than just a repayment and I don't want that.

We are not together, however...

My ex and I are supposed to "catch up" this weekend.
I know that if we do we will end up sleeping together.

If Hiro and I are just friends...

Then why do I feel like I'm doin something wrong?

Why do I feel like I'm cheating?

I miss when things were black & white.

I hate grey.

Chemistry

The other day I meet up with an ex-boyfriend.
Originally he had asked me out to the movies but I was like "Honey, if were gonna meet up I'm gonna need drinks".

It was good to see him again... strange, but good.

We caught up on each others lives, competing to see who's life is more fucked up.

He won!

Now I know it's wrong and I don't wish anything bad on him but as he was sharing his tales of woe I could not help but laugh.
I laughed my ass off.

I composed myself long enough to say "Karmas a bitch and you know I am too".

He seemed a little annoyed at first but then he couldn't help himself, and laughed with me.

It was a great ice breaker.

After that things loosened up and it was just like old times.
Originally I had agreed to the meeting because I was curious but I had a really good time.

Times change, people change.
We are nothing like we were but the chemistry is still there.

I've missed him and enough time has passed for all the venom he injected me with to work its way out of my system.
He is still a sleazy selfish prick but I know that now so the way I handle him is different.

Let me explain...

I would compare him to a wolf in sheep's clothing.
When we first met I wasn't aware of this, so when he ate me alive it was a complete surprise.
Now that I am fully aware of who and what he is I think we will be ok.

Don't get me wrong I have absolutely no romantic interest in him anymore.
However, having said that if he tries to sleep with me... and I know he will... I won't put up much of a fight

I could be friends with a Wolf

Graduation

Well yesterday I graduated (YAH) for me.

During graduation we took time to reflect on all the things we've done and realise shit all this stuff adds up and we've actually accomplished something.
The day was spent recognising that accomplishment, patting ourselves on the back, and laughing at the struggles it took for us to get here.
I was surprised at just how proud I was of us all, and the strength of the bond shared with my class mates.
Chances are I may never see some of them beyond graduation but today we were as one.

I haven't studied in years and it came as quiet a shock for me to realise not only am I still capable but also I am pretty damn good at it.
I am seriously considering going to Uni full time next year.
The social dynamics made me feel as though I was back in high school.
The cliques, the parties, the heated sexual tensions.... I thought we were supposed to out grow these things but apparently not.

Although it is somewhat of an ego boost to be hit on, on a daily basis, it means next to nothing when your gay and you are targeted by women.
Not just women... old women. I was hunted down in cougar town.
For some reason I seem to be an object of infatuation for old ladies.
The mothers of my ex boyfriends all loved me, some more than their actual sons, and it seems any older women who hasn't realised I am gay tries to fuck me.

Guess I'm too butch for my own good :P

Tonight I'm heading out with my ladies to celebrate!
Congratulations class of 2011... Donna get your hand out of my pants!

Gluttony

One of the 7 deadly sins and unfortunalety my sin of choice these past few months.
I've done everything in excess and its starting to show.
I'm more bootylicious than normal and worn out.

Thats a polite way of me saying

"Holy shit I'm fucking FAT and looking old"

Guess I have only myself to blame :P
I know exactly how I got here.

It's been a fun ride but now it's time for me to get off.
Even my fat clothes don't fit me anymore, and thats saying something.

Time to hit the gym and I think I just may have the perfect gym buddy to keep me "motivated" ;P

Goodbye McDonalds... Hello JETTS

Reignition

I've been out of the blogging loop for a little while now.
Mostly because I've been too busy, but also because I haven't felt like writing.
Here I am again... let's see what happens.

How am I feelings these days?

I don't feel dark, or hopeless or empty.
But something is off.

Maybe I'm broken inside.

I'm out, I'm living.
I'm studying, I'm making new friends, I'm partying.
But I don't feel any of it.

It's feels more like I'm standing on the outside looking in
No depression or sadness but no happiness or joy either.

I'm getting along well with my family and friends.
Making strides to improve my health.

Actually I'm well on my way to sorting all my shit out.
I keep on moving but with out some kind of emotion it all seems... well kinda pointless.

I'm getting everything I want so shouldn't I feel something?

I tire of simply goin through the motions.
I want passion
I want to feel it burning inside me
I want that drive
I want satisfaction.

I used to have all these things.
Now it seems I am a watered down version of myself.

What good is victory if you can't enjoy it.

The spark is gone.
I gotta find a way to re-ignite the fire within.

Falling

Five months ago I was in a deep depression.
I cut off all my freinds. I isolated myself from everyone and everything.

I was a Zombie.
Walking dead.

Inside I was screaming but no one could hear me.

I used to work in a hotel.
Some days I would sit 45 floors up on the edge of the roof and stare down at my feet and the city below.
I don't know why I did it.

Perhaps I wanted to feel something... anything.

One day as my mind drifted off I lost track of time.
I realised I had been up there too long and being in a sitting position automatically went to stand up.

I caught myself in shock that I had almost dropped off the side of the building.
I felt a rush pass through me, the adrenaline coursing thru my veins.
It was at that moment I realised that "I was still alive"

That's when things started to turn for me.

I made a choice.
I chose to live.

As far as I've come I'm still out there teatering on the edge.
I don't want to fall but I feel as if I'm losing my grip.
I can feel myself slipping.

There's no one there to catch me.
I can't fall.

I've come so far.

Please don't let me fall.

Understanding

Today I finally made peace with my ex-boyfriend.
He returned my calls and we spoke. Openly and honestly.

It was more confirmation of what I had expected but he did throw me a few surprises.

I had written him numerous letters but he hadn't read any of them.
I had written him again only last night.

I asked him if it was my last letter that made him respond and he told me "No" it was a friend of his that had finally conviced him to read them and to face me.
Although greatful to his friend I felt somewhat shafted that it wasn't our connection that had led him here.
To which he replied

"It's not always about you"

He has a way of telling me exactly what I need to hear even if I don't wanna hear it.

I asked him if he'd have been so brave had we not been separated by an ocean.

He just laughed and told me I already knew the answer to that.

I'll admit I was emotionally wrecked afterwards but it was the ending, the resolution we both needed.

Basically he set me free. He set me free for me.

I will always love him and he will always love me.

I had really hurt him and he was avoiding me and I get that, but he was man enough to face me and be honest.

It was the understanding we both needed to move on.
I admire him so much.

I haven't felt this strong in a long time.
Finally it feels like I'm making progress.

I'm dealing with my issues rather than running away from them or clouding myself with distractions.

For the first time I have faith in myself.
I believe I can do this.

I will do this.
I am doing this!

Today I learnt 2 very important lessons

First and foremost... LOVE is understanding.

And the second... in the words of a wise blogger I admire

"I am reason enough"

Sonny this one's for you xoxo

What Is Love?

What is love?

Beyond the physical.
Beyond that burning desire.

What is it?

To me love is like a sacrifice.
When you put someone else’ needs ahead of your own.

To love someone you want them to be happy.
You want them to be content.

So the question becomes...
Can we love someone without losing our own identity?

Is love a bond? or an understanding?

Would you rather be joined, bound together or stand as equals, side by side, hand in hand?

We cannot hope to control the longings of our hearts any more than we can hope to control an oncoming storm.
Love is not logical, intelligent or wise.

It just is...

The heart is raw.
The heart is passionate.

When broken, the heart is a screaming ungrateful child.

I have loved 5 men in my life time and I can honestly say that I still love each and every one.
We may not be "in love" anymore but a piece of my heart will always belong to them.

So what is love to you?

I've asked a few of my friends this question and everyone seems to have a different answer.
Maybe love changes as we change.

All we can do is try to protect our hearts as best we can.
To take care with whom we open ourselves.

To hope for the best.

Temptation

An UPDATE on my sobriety and status as a virgin.

DRINKING
I went out Friday evening with a couple girlfriends in honour of one of the girls starting a new job.
Before we hit the bar we promised ourselves we'd have just one drink and that would be it.

The phrase "Don't make promises you can't keep" comes to mind.
Oh and by the way Malibu with Strawberry and Pineapple is delicious.

The music was great, the conversation flowed, and so did the drinks. Before we knew it our promise of having "just one" had evaporated. It was about this time a guy came over and offered to buy us shots. When he asked what I wanted I stood open mouthed but my girlfriend called out "he'll have tequila". We didn't drink all that much but I hadn't eaten anything all day so the alcohol really hit me.

That night I had plans with a guy friend. We were supposed to have dinner and then see a movie but I blew off dinner because I was having too much fun with the girls.

When I left the bar I was a little woozy and shaky on my feet so I arranged to meet him for coffee and a chat. I got there first so I ordered a quadruple shot tall black and found a table.
The idea... to sober up some before he arrived. While seated I managed to maintain my composure but he noticed I was a little "off" as soon as I stood up.

SMOKING
I've been doin well. I did have 3 cigarettes when we left the bar but they were social and we were drinking and I have a clause for that.

Saturday afternoon I had one more.
I ran into this cute guy I had met at a friend’s party the previous weekend.
I was drinking coffee and he was smoking when we met.
I wasn't sure if I was staring into his eyes or his cigarette.
I broke and asked him for one.
What can I say... there was a hot guy standing before me. I had to put something of his in my mouth and the cigarette was the better option.

SEX
Why is it when you don't want sex you get if offered to you over and over and over again?
I have denied my carnal needs for some time now but I broke on Sunday.

Physically it was a huge relief but it failed to satisfy me on any other level.
It was empty sex.
I didn’t sleep with Hiro because that would have been wrong.
So it was a random hook-up... no harm... no foul.


I feel like I was tested this weekend and that I failed miserably.
I am disappointed in myself.
However, I do not consider it an epic fail more a slip.
I fell off the horse but my intention is to get right back on and try again.

How long can one avoid temptation before we give in?
Does our resolve strengthen or do we simply lose the desire?

I'll let you know when I find out.

Clarity

I'm making great progress on trying to be more health concious.
I haven't had a smoke or a drink all week.

However... being sober has brought about a certain clarity.
You start to see things more in focus.

I'm trying to uncomplicate my life but so far it's having the opposite effect.

My initial goal was to clean up my act and essentially rebuild myself.
To be proud of who I am and not embarrassed.

I have this amazing man who has the potential of being an amazing partner waiting for me.
So why is it all I can think about are my Ex boyfreind (Sonny) and the guy I rebounded with.

I don't believe in long distance realtionships and my ex isn't even in the country.
Currently he won't even talk to me. (I think he's been reading my blog)
I don't think we will ever be together again but I miss him.
All I want is for him to talk to me.

Then there is rebound guy.
I really miss the connection we used to have.
We used to talk on the phone for hours and I could read him like a book.
He asked me once how I read him so easily and I simply told him
"Honey I used to be you... only better"
We started out as friends but then sex came into it and I got attached.
My walls were still down after Sonny and I guess I was still in relationship mode.

I'd like to think had we not slept together we would still be friends but I doubt that.
Had I ignored or shrugged off his advances the little shit would have left anyway.
Be honest... you know it's true ;)

So maybe it's my destiny to be eternally fucked with.

Why am I longing for the people who don't want me and ignoring the guy who does.

I will stay on course but god I could use a drink.

Let Them Eat Cake

A friend of mine has reached a relationship cross roads.
He messaged me in crisis...

OMG STEVE
SO need a fucking blog to pour my emotions out....
All I can say is Chris and Kyle...
Who Am I Living For?
I Slept with Chris last night but then learnt some dark secrets....FMLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!
RIGHT NOW at this very moment, Kyle does not exist. Chris does....

I don't know what I want....I want to have my cake and eat it too.

It was after that last comment that I began to analyze the different men in my friends life and what kinda cakes each would represent.

I refer to my friend as "Strawberry Short Cake" because of his strawberry blond hair.
Others have claimed he is a Ranga (a red head) but "Carrot Cake" isn't a cute enough description

Currently on the menu we have

CHRIS  (Christmas Cake)
Chris is the "ex boyfriend who never really left the scene.
Their actual relationship lasted several years but has been over for some time now.
They still have this strange almost symbiotic connection.
They talk frequently, dine out weekly, holiday with each other and have even lived together post break up.
My friend has told me he sometimes feels as if he is being stalked and can find the relationship to be somewhat suffocating. He has also expressed concern over hurting his ex and some confusion over where the boundaries lay.

I think Chris is like comfort food.
Like a "Christmas Cake" he's been sitting on the shelf for a while... we take comfort in knowing he is there should we need him. My concern is that he may have been on the shelf a little too long and has gone bad.

Then there is...

KYLE  ("Bakery Special" Cake)
Kyle is the "potential boyfriend" from far far away.
The connection was instant and hard to ignore.
They met at a club thru mutual friends while Kyle was on vacation from Canberra.
They realised their mutual attraction during a 3 hour make out session.
He returned home and the two of them have been corresponding via txt, email, facebook, phone calls and fucking smoke signals ever since.
It's an interesting relationship as the distance has forced them to really get to know each other.
After a couple of weeks my friend could no longer stand being apart and flew down for the weekend.
Apart from a few drunken exorcist moments the visit went extremely well.

I compare Kyle to a "Bakery Special" cake. You've had a taste test and you really really like it... but he's not currently "in stock". All you can do is place an order and hope that you don't have to wait too long for another bite.

I was having so much fun doin the Man/Cake comparisons... I kept goin

Also on the menu we have...

WORK BEN  (Sponge Cake)
More accurately speaking he is a "Sponge Cake" that never rose.
My friend had a massive crush on "WORK BEN" but despite all his best efforts he never did get a taste.
Frankly after meeting WORK BEN myself... I don't think he's fit for consumption.

and last but not least..

ORIGINAL BEN  (Wedding Cake)
Original Ben is a friend who happens to be fucking HOT.
He also happens to be in a long term committed relationship.
Still there is an undeniable attraction between them but nothing has ever come of it.
He is like the top of a "Wedding Cake"
You know the piece a couple will keep after the wedding.
He is tempting as hell to eat but you just can't have a piece.

I don't envy my friend Strawberry but I did enjoy creating these cake anologies.
I think it put a smile on his face...

The last thing I said to him was this

In the words of Marie Antoinette "let them eat cake" just remember that bitch lost her head.

Sober

The Sunday morning wake up after a drunken Saturday night out.

I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling.
My head hurts, my side aches and my mouth is filled with the horrible after taste of Pina Colada's, Vanilla Vodka, Hamburgers and Cigarettes (YUK)

Today is my first day being sober.
I use the term "sober" loosely as I have no intention of becoming a tea totaler
I will still drink sporadically but only when there is reason and no longer in excess.

I'm also gonna cut back on smoking.... once upon a time I only ever smoked when I went out but lately it seems I light up whenever I have a free hand.

I have tried quitting many times before but my heart just wasn't in it.

It feels different this time.

My "friends" don't believe in me.... but thats ok because I believe in myself.

I am making this change for me
I feel ready... this time it feels right.

I have always used alcohol as kinda a safety blanket.
It afforded me a certain freedom.

When you are drunk you are free of doubt and uncertainty.
Free to open up without fear.
Free to do and say whatever the hell you want.

But that freedom is false.
You have no real control.

I used to think I had to fuck myself up.
To be funny, outgoing and social.
To be me.

I've been testing the waters lately and it turns out I can be all of these things sober.
Sure it takes a little more effort, but it can be done.

So I'm doin it.
I've said I want to be a better man.

Today the binge drinking ends... and I begin.

Disarmament

It's funny...

No matter how much time has passed, no matter how strong we think we are, no matter how fortified our defences... certain people are able to effortlessly walk right through them.

Generally these people are referred to as Ex's, and sometimes if the bond was strong enough long lost friends.

I saw a prime example of that today.

A gurlfriend and I had just seen the movie "Sucker Punch" which I might add is fucking amazing and was almost the title of this particular post!

When we ran into "him"

For sake of this story we will refer to "him" as "Mr Cullen"
He has also been referred to as Angel, He Who Shall Not Be Named, Voldemort, Late night booty call man, and an Al-Qaeda Cell leader hiding in his own sovereign nation while human trafficking in Thailand.

Anyway...

"Mr Cullen" was once a very important person in my gurls life.
In fact you could say his world once revolved around "Mr Cullen"

It's taken a long time and a couple more relationships but my gurl believed she had finally gotten him completely out of her system.

Turns out she was wrong.

It's so easy to remain strong when someone is but a memory.
Not so easy when you are staring right into his piercing pale baby blue eyes perched perfectly above his juicy luscious lips and you can see his rock hard body through his tight fitting tailored suit, all while he's being extremely charming and offering to buy you a drink.

I'm exhausted just writing that... imagine what it was like to be there.

From my outside perspective it all seemed fine to me... but my gurl was bubbling beneath the surface.

Whenever we got a few seconds alone I played the supportive but smart ass friend... asking how she was then making fun and laughing in her face.

A few drinks later we parted company and by we I mean I parted company with them.

I kissed my gurl, and her handsome hottie goodbye, made a private snide remark under my breath and then left them to their own volition.

A short while later "my gurl" called.

Sparks did fly... and offers were made... but she stayed strong.

She was worn out from the experience and felt somewhat miserable... but I was proud of her.

Yes he got to her... but she was given the choice to "re-visit" the past she chose not too.

She is a lot stronger than she thinks.

My legs would have parted so fast it would have created a sonic boom.

Getting back to my point...

There are some people in our lives who will always be able to get to us.
Especially when they remind us of what made us fall in love with them to begin with.

When realtionships end and people go out of your life they leave a scar.
We carry these scars with us always.

Even with healing and time... even if you can't see it anymore... you still know its there.
If you run your finger along the surface you can feel it.
It's apart of who you are now.

Granted when some relationships end it feels more like an amputaion.
Just remember... even amputees can learn to adapt... to work around their "handicap"
To go on and lead full, happy, functional lives.

There is hope for all of us.

Bond

Yesterday I caught up with 3 of my best girlfriends "my ladies" for lunch.

Four soul sistahs... sharing our lives over sushi and caramelised mochas.

It was so "Sex and the City"

Previously my friends and I have always cast ourselves or more honestly each other as one of the girls.
I have identified with both Charlotte and Samantha but I realise now I am no longer either.
I can still relate to aspects of both characters but I am original... my own person.

It was during our lunch I had to pause and take in what was goin on around me.

Four, amazing, intelleigent, emotional, flawed individuals all sharing our lives.

Our experiences, our disappointments, our hopes, our pains, our dreams.

I am a very lucky man to have each and everyone of you in my life.

We are all unique.
We are all special.

We all enrich each other's lives.

I imagine a world without you in it would have a lot less laughter.

Thank you for being a friend.

Shit... now I sound more golden girls than sex and the city.

Peachy

It's amazing how powerful a positive outlook can be.
How a simple attitude adjustment can dramatically change your perception of things.

Right now... I am feeling really good.

To look at me you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
The changes are all internal... but they are real.

I'm sending positive vibes out there and I'm getting positive vibes in return.

Things take less effort than before, in fact some things which were once a gargantuan effort are now almost effortless.

I'm being super social rather than hibernating.

Everything is snowballing.

This is my last week or drunken debauchery.

Don't worry I'm not turning into a priest and I don't believe in the idea of going cold turkey.

I just feel like taking time out from my usual binge drinking escapades.
Being a little more accountable... responsible for my actions.
Finding a healthy balance.

Right now everything is peachy fucking keen, probably because it's mostly still all in my head... an ideal.
I'm done with the theory... time to start the practical.

Growing old is mandatory... growing up is optional... maybe it's time for me to explore that option.

Better Man

Previously I've touched on the fact that I don't like myself all that much.

I look in the mirror and I don't like the man staring back at me.
He looks tired... worn... unhappy.

I've wanted to change for some time but have been unable to self motivate... to find the drive I need to make those changes.

Sometimes I lay in bed in the morning and I struggle to find a reason just to get up.

No course.
No drive.
No direction.

Only distraction.

I know now what I want.

I want to be a better man.

Hiro has given me the greatest gift.

Hope.

He believes in me... and if he can do that... maybe I can believe in myself.

You inspire me babe.

I just hope you are as patient as you are kind.

Without Reason

It was April fools day... and despite the likelihood of the universe playing some sort of cruel joke. I took a chance.

I got home from the Gold Coast and gave Hiro a call.
I wanted to get our talk out of the way sooner rather than later so I hoped we could catch up.

He told me he had plans with friends but invited me to join them.
He was persistent but I ungracefully declined his invitation.
I did however let him know he could txt me when he was done to see if I was still up.

I'll admit I was eagerly awaiting his txt... and he didn't let me down.
Later that night I receive a message.

"Are you up? I know I am ;)"

When the hell did sleazy become so cute?

I replied that I was indeed awake but not UP

"Can I come and get you?"

To which I said:

"You can if you want but I am not sleeping with you"

Our txts quickly became sexts and in the end we both agreed to meet... just to talk.

He took me up to the look out at Mt Cootha.
I'd been there before with friends but never with a "potential mate"
He distracted me with his goofy sexiness.
It wasn't until we got out of the car that I remembered the whole purpose of our meeting was to have the awkward conversation I didn't want to give and he didn't want to hear.

It was some time before I could find the words (5 cigarettes to be exact)
I took a deep breath and finally spoke.

I told him. That I really liked him but that I didn't think it was a good idea for us to have sex anymore.
His eyes narrowed but he never lost his smile.
He asked me if that meant we couldn't see each other any more.

I told him "No" but that that might not be a bad idea.

He stared at me "Do you want me to go away?"

Of course I said "No" that's not what I want but it is what I need.
He sat for a long time looking at the view of the city.
Eventually he turned to me and this is what he said:

"I've been single for a long time because I haven't met the right person.
I wasn't looking when I met you.
I think about you... without reason. Your just there.
More and more all I see is you.
You try to be hard but I can see you. Inside.
I don't know what it means only that I want to be with you"

I said nothing but I'm sure he could read it all over my face.

He took my hand and spoke again:

"You tell me I need to go away but you want me to stay
If you're not ready... I can wait"

"Ask me to wait for you... and I will"

I was overcome with emotion. I was shaking... I was crying.
Though filled with tears I was beaming with happiness.
I couldn't breathe I was gasping for air.
He held me in his strong embrace until I found my calm.

I looked into his eyes and managed to mumble the words:

"I'll try not to take too long"

He smiled... I laughed... and we kissed.

I so could have fucked him right there and then... but I didn't.

If and when it does happen...

I want it to be special
I want to be ready
I want to feel worthy

For fuck sake Steve... don't let this amazing man get away.
Get your shit together and hurry the fuck up.

Until that day comes...

I will think about you Hiro... without reason :)

Orientation

Orientation... usually used to define the sexual nature of someone but for the purpose of this blog I'm using it as a metaphor as I attempt to explore and define the nature of my feelings for a certain Japanese gentleman.

I have mentioned previously that I feel as if I am in "uncharted territory"... lost without a compass or a star to guide me.

How do I feel about Hiro?

I do like him allot and I certainly like the way he makes me feel but it's almost like there is something missing.

I'm starting to wonder if what’s missing is "me"

I realise now it's not only with Hiro that I feel lost... I feel lost in general.

Currently... I don't like myself all that much.
I feel hollow.
How can I respect someone who likes me when I don't even like "myself".

This isnt a fairytale... where my knight in shining amour, my Hiro will come along and save me.
I have to save myself.

I am not ready for a relationship... that is abundantly clear.

I hope that Hiro and I can become friends but for now I think I need some distance.
I will talk to him about it because he's a good man and he deserves to know the truth and the right to decide for himself.

I hope he sticks around.

I wanted to find my sense of direction and I guess I've done that.

My destination is "Me".

Wish me luck on my journey.

I know it's corny and super gay but then so am I... besides it really fits how I'm feeling.

Uncharted Territory

How do you know when you’re over the hill?

When you spend all Saturday night playing Monopoly.
It sounds so sad but what’s worse is I actually had a lot of fun.

Anyway... 8.30 Monday morning... I'm about to go to bed when I receive a txt...
The message is from Hiro. It reads

"Hey there Sexy
Hope I didn’t wake you
Have you even gone to bed yet?
I get off work in 30 mins
Love to take you out for breakfast
Are you up for it?"

It was typical of him to be so cute... even via txt

I thought about it for a moment and sent my reply

"Sure... call me when you’re done"

I had agreed to meet with him but was unsure what for exactly.
I have recently taken a vow of chastity after all and my relationship with Hiro up until this point has been entirely based on sex.

This was uncharted territory...

He picked me up and took me to this great little cafe. It was a really nice place but after perusing the menu I decided I'd rather just have coffee and cigarettes.
He felt the same way so we ordered coffee to go and found a quiet place to talk.

It was strange having an actual conversation that wasn’t all heading in the direction of the bedroom.
We have chatted before about non sexually related stuff but only really online never face to face.
I felt awkward at first but he quickly put me at ease.

After breakfast we went back to his place
We began our regular song and dance that usually leads to sex but I remained strong... and besides I wasn't in the mood.
I wondered why I'd even gone back there.

I didn't feel sexy.
I felt vulnerable...

For the first time I had allowed myself to engage with him as a person and it was scaring the shit out of me.
Every fibre in my being was screaming for me to get the hell out of there but I couldn't.
He was so comforting and so disarming. I didn’t want to leave.

He must have sensed my mood because he just stopped and he held me in his arms.
We both lay there for what felt like an eternity.
I wanted to speak but I couldn’t find the words so I just lay there in his arms and fell asleep.

We slept all day.

When I woke I was hungry so he cooked noodles and we ate them in bed.

He asked me if I wanted to stay but I told him that I had to get home.

He dropped me off kissed me goodbye and told me he hoped we could do this again sometime
Of course my sarcastic distrusting nature forced me to ask...

"Why?... you didn’t even get laid"

His response...

"I enjoy being with you... and "this" was nice"

Then he kissed me again

I did my best not to let him see me smile as he drove away.

I don't know what "this" is but I think I'm willing to find out.
All I know for sure is... I'm smiling... the first genuine smile in a long time.

Singularity

I don't want sex... I want intimacy and there is a difference.

The problem is right now I know I'm not ready for the relationship required to get that intimacy.

I am single... a "Singularity"

For those of you who don't know a "Singularity" is a fancy name for a "black hole"
How do I draw comparisons between these two vastly different concepts apart from the clever use of the word “Single”.

Hear me out...

In theory a "Singularity" is created when a heavy star collapses in a Supernova.
The implosion creates a region of space from which nothing, not even light, can escape.

It's ironic that something once so bright and warm, so full of life can collapse in on itself and become this dark empty void.
Sometimes I feel as if I am floating out there sucking the light and life out of all those around me.

Being "single" in a sea of friends all either involved or at least in the early stages of a partnership isn't easy.

I may not be ready for a "deep" relationship but maybe a "superficial" one isn’t out of the question.

I hope there is someone out there... who can get close to me without the sheer gravity of who and what I am tearing them apart.

I don't know about you but I'd much rather be called a "Singulairty" than a "Supermassive black hole"

Virgin

I've decided that I can no longer classify myself as "GAY"

The term "GAY" denotes a sexuality pertaining to someone who is sexual.
After careful consideration I have decided to no longer have sex.
Therefore I need re-classification.

From now on I am a "VIRGIN" (born again)

What has bought about this sudden change you may ask?

Mostly because I'm just not enjoying it.

Don't get me wrong I love sex and am privy to a couple of good sexual partners.
But I've realised lately that although the bodily mechanics are satisfied I'm left feeling empty.
I realise now my true calling is that of a "VIRGIN"

I will happily fly the white flag of purity, not of surrender.
I will march in the "VIRGIN" pride parade, among my sisters of religious zealots, spinsters and fuglies.

We may be "VIRGIN" but we are people too.

Don't hate on us because we were born this way.

I will miss my slutty brethren.
I can only hope that they will see the light and follow my example.

Farewell ladies... I will pray for you with my free hand.

Forgiven Not Forgotten

Today I turn 31 (YAH for me)

Maybe I'm getting sentimental in my old age but a freind told me recently that life is just too dam short.
Take a chance, what have you got to loose?

Apart from my dignity and pride not all that much.

So I'm issuing all a "Get out of jail free card"

I apologise if I offended or hurt any one but all you fuckers know you deserved it!

Your forgiven... not forgotten

I don't just have the ass of an elephant... I have the memory too

I've graduated from "Vodka Therapy" to the "Joint-cha Sessions"... hopefully I'll figure out my shit before I move up  to "Methadone Treatment"

I will elaborate when I'm sober

Love to all xoxo

CONTINUED...

Sometimes I will say things that aren’t 100% true... sometimes I will say things that are outright lies.

I will be sarcastic, I will be ironic, I will joke, I will exaggerate, embellish and slant things based on my own personal perspective.

I write from my inner voice and who of you doesn’t do all these things inside your own head.

This blog is a glimpse of the inside workings of my mind not a clinical reality based text book definition.

All I can tell you is that all the feelings, the ideas and intent behind the thoughts are real.

If you continue to read it is at your own discretion...

Vodka Therapy

Time for a change...

Usually a thought will pop into my head, I'll jump on the computer and start writing as the thought is happening. I've mentioned before that my blog is more like a conversation among friends as I find it's the easiest way for me to write.

I've tried thinking things thru before I jump on but I've never been able to get it down.

Also incase you havent noticed I've randomley started adding songs to my posts.
What can I say... I'm emotional, a little corny and I love music.

I want to delve back into how this all started, so I'm gonna give "thinking things thru" another try.
Here I go...

This is where it all began... the foundations of what was to become the first steps in my journey of self discovery. It started with a drink or 2 or 3 and shots and cigarettes and 2 of my best girl friends... I had called an emergency meeting as I was feeling particularly low upon the realisation that all men are pigs. At first the conversation was stilted and emotional... there were tears and feelings of self loathing... I had invited my soul sister Sita as I needed her particular brand of biased unconditional loving support the kind only a true friend can give. To complement Sita I had also asked Amina... a great friend with exstensive counselling experience.

I had just broken up with a guy whom I'd been living with for over a year so it was a little messy. Looking back now I'm actually thankful to him. Before meeting him I had written myself off as someone who just wasn't meant to be in a relationship. I had come to terms with this belief to the point of total acceptance. He kinda caught me off guard and before I knew it I was in the very thing I never thought I'd have. Yes the relationship was dysfunctional.... no wait that’s not a strong enough term... it was completely FUCKED.

Still it made me realise that this is something I want and more importantly something I actually deserve.
If I can fall in love with a pig that treats me like a piece of shit then clearly there is someone out there for everyone.

I had just had this major life changing revelation over drinks with the girls.
The very first Vokda Therapy session.

As I continued to explain the situation I was worried I'd get Amina's professional opinion when what I really needed was for her to be a friend.
Thank god she came thru with the goods ("Hell NO... he did what?")

When it was over, we finished the bottle and hit the clubs.

It was a fucking amazing night.
The first of many...

Miss Amina this song is for you ;) xoxo

Define

It is our insecurities that define us...

The thought just came to me in the shower.
It's stired up a whole bunch of interesting and deep observations.

If that shit aint pattented then I'm claiming it.

To be continued...

Monopoly

I was talking to my cousin Jamie the other day about how I'm currently "missing..." all these people
(Jamie was one of those on the list so at least it's getting shorter!)

During our conversation, we laughed, we cried (usually at each others expense) and we both came up with an interesting concept when it comes to long lost relationships.

The get out of jail free card....

Wouldn’t it be cool if regardless of what's happened in the past you could just pull out this card and both parties could pretend like nothing had happened.
Kinda a reset at least for any bad blood or awkward feelings that may be involved.

I would love to spend just a day with each of these people.
With no thoughts of yesterday and no promises for tomorrow... just today.

The idea intrigues me

UPDATES:
I will apologise to my sister.
Clearly I offended her which was not my intention but at the same time I will let her know that I do not find her behaviour or the extreme way in which she retaliated acceptable.

I'm gonna stop avoiding Hiro. Live more in the moment and just see what happens

I intend on visiting Jillian... I'm not sure if I will actually see her but the intention is there and that’s an achievement believe me.

There are others on the list but I'm still unsure how to proceed with them.

I'm aiming to be a better person... but I'm not a fucking saint.

Missing...

A long lost friend messaged me today.

Her name is Jade.

Jade is one of those people who was once a very important part of my life.
Although I jokingly mention her every now and again to my friends I hadn't really thought about her or how I feel about her in a long time.

Turns out I miss her.

At the moment I'm missing a lot of people....
Maybe I'm nostalgic?
Maybe I'm lonely?

I miss how we once were...

Once upon a time we were really close.
We used to go to primary school together, we worked together for almost 4 years, we lived together for almost 2 years... but somewhere along the line we fell out.

Things went too far, beyond the point of us ever being able to go back.
I didn’t like the person she had become or the person I became when I was with her.
So we ended it.

I seem to do that allot.

Do I continue to associate with the wrong people or is it just me?
Am I to blame?

It takes a lot for me to "write someone off" but for some reason I keep having to do it.
It's not something I take lightly as I am an extremely emotional person and it's very hard for me to let go of someone I have bonded with.

Sometimes you don't have a choice.
You have to let go.

Even though you know it will really hurt... sometimes it hurts more holding on.
Is it selfish to choose yourself over a relationship?
Maybe I don't know... but sometimes it can't be any other way?

Currently

I miss my Sister
I miss Sonny
I miss Jillian
I miss Jamie
I miss EJ
I miss Jade

I haven't let go of all of these people but the nature of all these relationships has changed.

I miss how we once were...

Sister

I've always had this secret desire to find out that my sister is actually adopted...

See I have 1, younger sister 29, and 2 younger brothers aged 13 and 14.
I am the oldest and I guess you could say the mother hen to the others.
My brothers and I look the same, we have the same sense of humour, think and act allot a like but my sister is like my polar opposite in almost every respect.

The chalk to my cheese.
The ying to my yang.
The Coke Zero to my Coke.

(EXPLAINATION: I mix really well and despite the fact that I might not be all that good for you, you can't help coming back for more. I may be bad but I'm honest about who and what I am. Coke Zero is at best is a bland imitation and everything about is artificial.)

I've always been introverted but outgoing while she's always been extroverted but with low self esteem. I was the smart one with no drive. She was the driven one with no smarts. I've always been my own person, she's always been a sheep. I'm nice and she's a bitch (an objective opinion I assure you)

She is immature, selfish and annoying and... and! she has absolutely NO sense of humour!!!

So I posted something publically on her wall that may have been highly offensive... what’s the big deal?
Her boyfriend and all her friends found it funny.

Ok I know I'm just ranting because that’s what I do to get my frustrations out of my system.
I'm going to be the bigger person, show my maturity and do the right thing.
Clearly an apology is in order here...

So Kylie (that’s my sister’s name) when you’re ready...

I will accept your apology for not having a sense of humour and not getting my exceedingly funny and publically humiliating joke.

You’re my sister.... and despite your seemingly endless list of annoying flaws... I love you

Prime

"My life is likened to a bargain store
And I may have just what you're looking for
If you don't mind the fact that all the merchandise is used
With a little mending it could be as good as new"

A friend of mine posted that as her facebook status recently...
Apparently they are the lyrics to a Dolly Parton song.
I was unaware of this at the time and so I read it as a statement.

My retort...

"So what you're saying is... We were once high priced but as we are now approaching out "best before date" we have been heavily discounted.

All we have to look forward to now is gaining value as an antique!"

So it got me thinking...

Have I passed my prime?

Reproductively?... sure

Physically?... maybe... but theres more to it than that.

I much prefer to look at it like this.

I was once a firm plump luscious grape. Sweet and juicy

Life happened, and it came down like a heavy mallet.
I was beaten I was bruised and finally crushed leaving a watery pulp.

Now I have a choice

I could sit and regret that I am no longer what I was... becoming stagnant and bitter or...
I can mature taking the knowledge I have gained to grow as a person, to become more

So I ask myself again... have I passed my prime?

HELL NO!!!!!

You can keep your cheap fruit and sour grape juice... I'm a fine wine honey

A 1980, Hawke's Bay Bordeaux to be exact!

CHEERS

RANDOMNESS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZqrG1bdGtg

Choice

A wise tranny once told me that happiness is a state of mind...

Granted this person is completely unreliable, self centered, narcissistic and just removed me as a facebook friend (well you sure showed me) but the words stuck.

Maybe it's because we have so much in common...

I'm gonna try and live in the moment and see where it takes me.

Right now "Happiness" is good food and good company.
So I'm goin out to dinner.

Thank you unidentified tranny friend xx love ya like a sistah

Limbo

Ok so tomorrow never came...

I'm no longer in a negative head space but I'm not in a positive one either.
Things arent getting any better but their not getting any worse.
I guess that means I'm in Limbo...

Time for reflection

What is gonna make me happy?

Do we ever actually ask ourselves that or do we just cruise along on auto pilot doing what everyone says is supposed to make us happy.

So what would make me happy?

I've had "the job", "the place" and "the relationship" and still I'm always searching for more... as if all those things arent enough.
Is it just human nature... a code in our d.n.a that never allows us to be satisfied with what we have?
It's late and I'm tired and confused.

So what is happiness?

I guess until I can answer that question I'm stuck in Limbo.

RANDOMNESS:

Currently loving Chinegos and Japanics
GLEE "It tastes like PINK!" and
Titis & Mydia... a greek tragedy

Up?

You know what ... FUCK ME (...that's a statement not a request)
Fuck me for allowing myself to start thinking like this... instead I need to get off my fat arse and go kick some.

I am not now... nor have I ever been the kinda person who will just lay down and take it (Obviously I'm not talking in the literal sense)
I stand up no matter how many times I fall down or how many times you put me down.
I am so much better than "this" and its time I started acting like it
No one can take control of my life but "me", so it's time for "me" to stop feeling sorry for myself and take control

Right now I need some "me" time... as in all about me and FUCK you (I mean it both ways)

No friends or regulars just something random

Yes... I am fully aware of my distructive behaviour but fuck it

I've had the realisation and thats enough for today

I'll do something about it tomorrow

Down

I keep having this recurring dream.
It's really fucked up.
I've had it like 4 times now in the past week.

I dream that I'm sleeping... I wake up and its pitch black.
I feel around and it's like I'm enclosed or wrapped up in something.
Somehow I can still breathe but theres a slow crushing weight pinning me down.
My movements are slow and take so much energy it's like I'm trying to swim in a pool of concrete.
As I struggle it gets harder and harder till eventually I'm unable to move.

The comparrisons to my waking life are a little scary...

Yeah I'm still breathing but I feel as if I'm slowly being weighed down and overcome.
Things just keep getting harder and rather than continuing to fight through it... it seems as if I have just surrendered.

I'm not sleeping, I'm not eating properly and I'm constantly moody (perhaps because I'm so tired and hungry)

Please let this just be a phase and not the beginings of a deep depression.
God help me... no God help everyone else if it is.

ARRGG

That is the sound I make when I'm frustrated...

Ok so I've been trying to answer those unanswerable questions (hence my frustration)

I have this friend who I am sexually attracted to but I have learnt the hard way that sex and friends are just not a good combination. We have this great emotional connection which is something I crave and neither of us is about to risk losing that so that we can get off. We've talked about it like adults, acknowledged the attraction and our intent to just be "friends"

Then on the other hand...

I have great regular sex with this awesome guy... but I refuse to allow myself any kind of deeper connection with him. Despite all his annoyingly cute efforts to engage me outside of the bedroom.

What the hell is my problem???

Obviously I want both in the one person... both have the potential to satisfy my sexual and emotional needs but for some reason I have chosen to segregate those needs.

Things would be so much easier if I was an uncaring emotionless slut... probably more fun too.

The search for answers continues

Guilt

Well its official... I suck... and not in the warm mouth happy ending kinda way (don't even get me started)
It was my younger brothers 13th birthday yesterday... and I wasn't there to celebrate it with him.

It's currently 3:04 am Thursday morning, I can't sleep and for once I think I know why... GUILT :(

Earlier I had convinced myself I was ok with my decision not to be there. I had after all just seen him the day before, and I did txt and ring him first thing this morning with birthday wishes, and I did call him again this afternoon to apologise for not being able to make it to dinner because... well...

I have a really really good excuse
That excuses name is Hiro :)

He's 30 6' Japanese, damn attractive, a genuinely nice guy and apparently I just can't say no to him.

He's been working the last 10 days non stop... anyway he's finally been released from the prison of having an actual job and he wanted to spend time with me.

He calls me up and asks me over to his place for dinner and sex (two of my favorite things) so how could I refuse.

Let me make it clear. I didnt choose Hiro over my brother... I chose myself... funnily enough that doesn't make me feel any better, and yet if I could go back and make the decision again... I know I'd still end up at Hiro's and then here typing out this rant of my guilt.

I am truly sorry... I can't believe how selfish I'm becoming

Of course I didnt tell my brother I was brushing him off for a hook up... only that I was very busy and not able to make it.
When I told him he said it was fine, that he understood and that he didnt mind that I couldnt come... but I could hear the slight shift in the tone of his voice... the disappointment

So why did I do it???

I've been seeing Hiro for a couple of months now but as I've mentioned in earlier posts I don't see anything happening with him... why don't I see anything happening with him???

I started writing this in the hope of finding answers but all I've done is bring up a whole bunch of unanswerable questions.

I'm walking blind and I don't like that.
I need to remind myself of whats important....

I need direction...
I need focus...
I need answers...

I need another drink!

Faith

Ok so I made the effort and it was well worth it.

Not only was it great fun with Amina on her birthday but we both managed to pick up each other’s moods while we pondered the mysteries of the universe over coffee and cigarettes.

We asked ourselves the usual questions... why are all men pigs and why can't they see how fucking fabulous we are??? seriously though she is going thru a breakup and we were discussing all the lessons we have learnt being in bad relationships.
Who and where we are now... and who and where we want to be.

We talked about having faith in life and faith in one’s self.
I really like that... despite all the shit that’s goes on life has a way of never dealing us more than we can handle
It's actually really uplifting when you take ownership of the things that you contributed to a "bad" relationship and in the end isn’t that the point.
We make mistakes... we learn from them... then we go on... and hopefully make new mistakes and not repeat the old ones.

She is so level headed when it comes to looking at situations from a logical standpoint... unfortunately emotions tend to complicate things.
I think she is past the worst of it though, and we will be with her to weather any storms that may arise while she adjusts to being a single gal again.

A little vodka and pot can do wonders while you’re in a "transitional period"

Birthday

Finding the strength to celebrate a friend’s birthday eludes me today...
I feel completely drained... maybe it's because my weekend was so full on (Chinese New Year YEAH... 2 of my favourite things  :P), maybe the gravity of my current situation is catching up with me... maybe it was all the joints I had last night.

My point is I'm supposed to meet my girlfriend in the city today to have lunch and help her celebrate the day.
I will go... but fuck its hard.

She is a really kewl chick and she's goin thru a lot of shit in her life atm so I guess making an appearance and putting a smile on her face is worth the gargantuan effort required to get my ass out of the house.

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY AMINA :)

Vodka shots and Vodka Therapy this Friday night... your shout!!!!

FLOOD

The old saying is true... when it rains it pours... and in my case it's been flooding...
It's been months since my last post and I’m unsure why I feel compelled to write again now... perhaps it’s because I lost my diary.
Well let’s begin with a status update... currently I’m jobless, homeless and single (YAH ME)...
I assume a normal rational person would start prattling on about their tales of woe... why me??? or how did I end up here??? but to be honest I’m not all that bothered.

Why you may ask... well let’s see...

JOBLESS: I never really liked the job and was planning on finding something else. Plus I got a really good pay out.

HOMELESS: I will miss my city apartment but I'm actually looking forward to finding something new.

SINGLE: well he's been overseas for months and although we technically never broke up I don’t believe in the whole long distance thing. I know now that it ended the day he left but that I was using him as a safety net. I was free to look elsewhere but I always knew that he was there waiting for me should things not work out or get too messy with someone else. It's actually a very selfish and cowardly way of living one’s life so part of me is glad that it’s over.
Was I the one who ended it??? No... it was him.
He was the one who decided to be honest first. He is a great guy who I really love and respect but honey if you aint here to satisfy me sexually then you know in the long run it ain't gonna work out. Someday I hope to meet him again, in fact I’m still planning on visiting later in the year but only as "friends" (hopefully with benefits)

Maybe I’m in denial because that’s a lot of fucked up shit to happen in a short period of time...
Or maybe I’m focussing on all the good stuff that’s been happening...
The last month has been amazing and I can't begin to describe how or why.
Maybe when you have nothing left to lose you truly live your life without anything holding you back and you learn to appreciate what you do have.

Since I've been more open to "life" I’ve felt... free.

I've let go of old stagnant relationships that were no longer doing anything for either of us. Were not bad people just not the same people that became friends. We’ve changed, we’ve grown, we’ve moved on.
When a friendship or any relationship becomes more work than it’s worth... then why bother.
Move on and find something else worth putting your energy into.
I decided to end a friendship with someone I was really really close with. She was one of my core go to girlfriends but her issues made her so hard to be around. I don’t like to use the term "end a friendship" because technically I’m not ending it I’m just not prepared to put any more time or energy into it (who am I kidding right?)

I have met so many new and exciting people that I enjoy spending time with and they enjoy spending time with me and isn’t that what its all about. I've been dating which is always fun and exciting to begin with... I'm seeing 2 guys atm... I don’t see a future with either of them but they are a good distraction and the sex is good.
I'm still a heavy drinker yes but at least now I have reason... both positive and negative  :P
I've quit trying to quit smoking! There are times when i will smoke a 50 pack over night and then I’ll go for a week without so I can live with that.
My health is still a work in progress and will be much easier to maintain once I’m working again but I am getting a lot of exercise :)

So was there a point to all this or am I just venting.... you tell me