Sober

The Sunday morning wake up after a drunken Saturday night out.

I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling.
My head hurts, my side aches and my mouth is filled with the horrible after taste of Pina Colada's, Vanilla Vodka, Hamburgers and Cigarettes (YUK)

Today is my first day being sober.
I use the term "sober" loosely as I have no intention of becoming a tea totaler
I will still drink sporadically but only when there is reason and no longer in excess.

I'm also gonna cut back on smoking.... once upon a time I only ever smoked when I went out but lately it seems I light up whenever I have a free hand.

I have tried quitting many times before but my heart just wasn't in it.

It feels different this time.

My "friends" don't believe in me.... but thats ok because I believe in myself.

I am making this change for me
I feel ready... this time it feels right.

I have always used alcohol as kinda a safety blanket.
It afforded me a certain freedom.

When you are drunk you are free of doubt and uncertainty.
Free to open up without fear.
Free to do and say whatever the hell you want.

But that freedom is false.
You have no real control.

I used to think I had to fuck myself up.
To be funny, outgoing and social.
To be me.

I've been testing the waters lately and it turns out I can be all of these things sober.
Sure it takes a little more effort, but it can be done.

So I'm doin it.
I've said I want to be a better man.

Today the binge drinking ends... and I begin.