Choice

A wise tranny once told me that happiness is a state of mind...

Granted this person is completely unreliable, self centered, narcissistic and just removed me as a facebook friend (well you sure showed me) but the words stuck.

Maybe it's because we have so much in common...

I'm gonna try and live in the moment and see where it takes me.

Right now "Happiness" is good food and good company.
So I'm goin out to dinner.

Thank you unidentified tranny friend xx love ya like a sistah

Limbo

Ok so tomorrow never came...

I'm no longer in a negative head space but I'm not in a positive one either.
Things arent getting any better but their not getting any worse.
I guess that means I'm in Limbo...

Time for reflection

What is gonna make me happy?

Do we ever actually ask ourselves that or do we just cruise along on auto pilot doing what everyone says is supposed to make us happy.

So what would make me happy?

I've had "the job", "the place" and "the relationship" and still I'm always searching for more... as if all those things arent enough.
Is it just human nature... a code in our d.n.a that never allows us to be satisfied with what we have?
It's late and I'm tired and confused.

So what is happiness?

I guess until I can answer that question I'm stuck in Limbo.

RANDOMNESS:

Currently loving Chinegos and Japanics
GLEE "It tastes like PINK!" and
Titis & Mydia... a greek tragedy

Up?

You know what ... FUCK ME (...that's a statement not a request)
Fuck me for allowing myself to start thinking like this... instead I need to get off my fat arse and go kick some.

I am not now... nor have I ever been the kinda person who will just lay down and take it (Obviously I'm not talking in the literal sense)
I stand up no matter how many times I fall down or how many times you put me down.
I am so much better than "this" and its time I started acting like it
No one can take control of my life but "me", so it's time for "me" to stop feeling sorry for myself and take control

Right now I need some "me" time... as in all about me and FUCK you (I mean it both ways)

No friends or regulars just something random

Yes... I am fully aware of my distructive behaviour but fuck it

I've had the realisation and thats enough for today

I'll do something about it tomorrow

Down

I keep having this recurring dream.
It's really fucked up.
I've had it like 4 times now in the past week.

I dream that I'm sleeping... I wake up and its pitch black.
I feel around and it's like I'm enclosed or wrapped up in something.
Somehow I can still breathe but theres a slow crushing weight pinning me down.
My movements are slow and take so much energy it's like I'm trying to swim in a pool of concrete.
As I struggle it gets harder and harder till eventually I'm unable to move.

The comparrisons to my waking life are a little scary...

Yeah I'm still breathing but I feel as if I'm slowly being weighed down and overcome.
Things just keep getting harder and rather than continuing to fight through it... it seems as if I have just surrendered.

I'm not sleeping, I'm not eating properly and I'm constantly moody (perhaps because I'm so tired and hungry)

Please let this just be a phase and not the beginings of a deep depression.
God help me... no God help everyone else if it is.

ARRGG

That is the sound I make when I'm frustrated...

Ok so I've been trying to answer those unanswerable questions (hence my frustration)

I have this friend who I am sexually attracted to but I have learnt the hard way that sex and friends are just not a good combination. We have this great emotional connection which is something I crave and neither of us is about to risk losing that so that we can get off. We've talked about it like adults, acknowledged the attraction and our intent to just be "friends"

Then on the other hand...

I have great regular sex with this awesome guy... but I refuse to allow myself any kind of deeper connection with him. Despite all his annoyingly cute efforts to engage me outside of the bedroom.

What the hell is my problem???

Obviously I want both in the one person... both have the potential to satisfy my sexual and emotional needs but for some reason I have chosen to segregate those needs.

Things would be so much easier if I was an uncaring emotionless slut... probably more fun too.

The search for answers continues

Guilt

Well its official... I suck... and not in the warm mouth happy ending kinda way (don't even get me started)
It was my younger brothers 13th birthday yesterday... and I wasn't there to celebrate it with him.

It's currently 3:04 am Thursday morning, I can't sleep and for once I think I know why... GUILT :(

Earlier I had convinced myself I was ok with my decision not to be there. I had after all just seen him the day before, and I did txt and ring him first thing this morning with birthday wishes, and I did call him again this afternoon to apologise for not being able to make it to dinner because... well...

I have a really really good excuse
That excuses name is Hiro :)

He's 30 6' Japanese, damn attractive, a genuinely nice guy and apparently I just can't say no to him.

He's been working the last 10 days non stop... anyway he's finally been released from the prison of having an actual job and he wanted to spend time with me.

He calls me up and asks me over to his place for dinner and sex (two of my favorite things) so how could I refuse.

Let me make it clear. I didnt choose Hiro over my brother... I chose myself... funnily enough that doesn't make me feel any better, and yet if I could go back and make the decision again... I know I'd still end up at Hiro's and then here typing out this rant of my guilt.

I am truly sorry... I can't believe how selfish I'm becoming

Of course I didnt tell my brother I was brushing him off for a hook up... only that I was very busy and not able to make it.
When I told him he said it was fine, that he understood and that he didnt mind that I couldnt come... but I could hear the slight shift in the tone of his voice... the disappointment

So why did I do it???

I've been seeing Hiro for a couple of months now but as I've mentioned in earlier posts I don't see anything happening with him... why don't I see anything happening with him???

I started writing this in the hope of finding answers but all I've done is bring up a whole bunch of unanswerable questions.

I'm walking blind and I don't like that.
I need to remind myself of whats important....

I need direction...
I need focus...
I need answers...

I need another drink!

Faith

Ok so I made the effort and it was well worth it.

Not only was it great fun with Amina on her birthday but we both managed to pick up each other’s moods while we pondered the mysteries of the universe over coffee and cigarettes.

We asked ourselves the usual questions... why are all men pigs and why can't they see how fucking fabulous we are??? seriously though she is going thru a breakup and we were discussing all the lessons we have learnt being in bad relationships.
Who and where we are now... and who and where we want to be.

We talked about having faith in life and faith in one’s self.
I really like that... despite all the shit that’s goes on life has a way of never dealing us more than we can handle
It's actually really uplifting when you take ownership of the things that you contributed to a "bad" relationship and in the end isn’t that the point.
We make mistakes... we learn from them... then we go on... and hopefully make new mistakes and not repeat the old ones.

She is so level headed when it comes to looking at situations from a logical standpoint... unfortunately emotions tend to complicate things.
I think she is past the worst of it though, and we will be with her to weather any storms that may arise while she adjusts to being a single gal again.

A little vodka and pot can do wonders while you’re in a "transitional period"

Birthday

Finding the strength to celebrate a friend’s birthday eludes me today...
I feel completely drained... maybe it's because my weekend was so full on (Chinese New Year YEAH... 2 of my favourite things  :P), maybe the gravity of my current situation is catching up with me... maybe it was all the joints I had last night.

My point is I'm supposed to meet my girlfriend in the city today to have lunch and help her celebrate the day.
I will go... but fuck its hard.

She is a really kewl chick and she's goin thru a lot of shit in her life atm so I guess making an appearance and putting a smile on her face is worth the gargantuan effort required to get my ass out of the house.

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY AMINA :)

Vodka shots and Vodka Therapy this Friday night... your shout!!!!

FLOOD

The old saying is true... when it rains it pours... and in my case it's been flooding...
It's been months since my last post and I’m unsure why I feel compelled to write again now... perhaps it’s because I lost my diary.
Well let’s begin with a status update... currently I’m jobless, homeless and single (YAH ME)...
I assume a normal rational person would start prattling on about their tales of woe... why me??? or how did I end up here??? but to be honest I’m not all that bothered.

Why you may ask... well let’s see...

JOBLESS: I never really liked the job and was planning on finding something else. Plus I got a really good pay out.

HOMELESS: I will miss my city apartment but I'm actually looking forward to finding something new.

SINGLE: well he's been overseas for months and although we technically never broke up I don’t believe in the whole long distance thing. I know now that it ended the day he left but that I was using him as a safety net. I was free to look elsewhere but I always knew that he was there waiting for me should things not work out or get too messy with someone else. It's actually a very selfish and cowardly way of living one’s life so part of me is glad that it’s over.
Was I the one who ended it??? No... it was him.
He was the one who decided to be honest first. He is a great guy who I really love and respect but honey if you aint here to satisfy me sexually then you know in the long run it ain't gonna work out. Someday I hope to meet him again, in fact I’m still planning on visiting later in the year but only as "friends" (hopefully with benefits)

Maybe I’m in denial because that’s a lot of fucked up shit to happen in a short period of time...
Or maybe I’m focussing on all the good stuff that’s been happening...
The last month has been amazing and I can't begin to describe how or why.
Maybe when you have nothing left to lose you truly live your life without anything holding you back and you learn to appreciate what you do have.

Since I've been more open to "life" I’ve felt... free.

I've let go of old stagnant relationships that were no longer doing anything for either of us. Were not bad people just not the same people that became friends. We’ve changed, we’ve grown, we’ve moved on.
When a friendship or any relationship becomes more work than it’s worth... then why bother.
Move on and find something else worth putting your energy into.
I decided to end a friendship with someone I was really really close with. She was one of my core go to girlfriends but her issues made her so hard to be around. I don’t like to use the term "end a friendship" because technically I’m not ending it I’m just not prepared to put any more time or energy into it (who am I kidding right?)

I have met so many new and exciting people that I enjoy spending time with and they enjoy spending time with me and isn’t that what its all about. I've been dating which is always fun and exciting to begin with... I'm seeing 2 guys atm... I don’t see a future with either of them but they are a good distraction and the sex is good.
I'm still a heavy drinker yes but at least now I have reason... both positive and negative  :P
I've quit trying to quit smoking! There are times when i will smoke a 50 pack over night and then I’ll go for a week without so I can live with that.
My health is still a work in progress and will be much easier to maintain once I’m working again but I am getting a lot of exercise :)

So was there a point to all this or am I just venting.... you tell me