Guilt

Well its official... I suck... and not in the warm mouth happy ending kinda way (don't even get me started)
It was my younger brothers 13th birthday yesterday... and I wasn't there to celebrate it with him.

It's currently 3:04 am Thursday morning, I can't sleep and for once I think I know why... GUILT :(

Earlier I had convinced myself I was ok with my decision not to be there. I had after all just seen him the day before, and I did txt and ring him first thing this morning with birthday wishes, and I did call him again this afternoon to apologise for not being able to make it to dinner because... well...

I have a really really good excuse
That excuses name is Hiro :)

He's 30 6' Japanese, damn attractive, a genuinely nice guy and apparently I just can't say no to him.

He's been working the last 10 days non stop... anyway he's finally been released from the prison of having an actual job and he wanted to spend time with me.

He calls me up and asks me over to his place for dinner and sex (two of my favorite things) so how could I refuse.

Let me make it clear. I didnt choose Hiro over my brother... I chose myself... funnily enough that doesn't make me feel any better, and yet if I could go back and make the decision again... I know I'd still end up at Hiro's and then here typing out this rant of my guilt.

I am truly sorry... I can't believe how selfish I'm becoming

Of course I didnt tell my brother I was brushing him off for a hook up... only that I was very busy and not able to make it.
When I told him he said it was fine, that he understood and that he didnt mind that I couldnt come... but I could hear the slight shift in the tone of his voice... the disappointment

So why did I do it???

I've been seeing Hiro for a couple of months now but as I've mentioned in earlier posts I don't see anything happening with him... why don't I see anything happening with him???

I started writing this in the hope of finding answers but all I've done is bring up a whole bunch of unanswerable questions.

I'm walking blind and I don't like that.
I need to remind myself of whats important....

I need direction...
I need focus...
I need answers...

I need another drink!