Clarity

I'm making great progress on trying to be more health concious.
I haven't had a smoke or a drink all week.

However... being sober has brought about a certain clarity.
You start to see things more in focus.

I'm trying to uncomplicate my life but so far it's having the opposite effect.

My initial goal was to clean up my act and essentially rebuild myself.
To be proud of who I am and not embarrassed.

I have this amazing man who has the potential of being an amazing partner waiting for me.
So why is it all I can think about are my Ex boyfreind (Sonny) and the guy I rebounded with.

I don't believe in long distance realtionships and my ex isn't even in the country.
Currently he won't even talk to me. (I think he's been reading my blog)
I don't think we will ever be together again but I miss him.
All I want is for him to talk to me.

Then there is rebound guy.
I really miss the connection we used to have.
We used to talk on the phone for hours and I could read him like a book.
He asked me once how I read him so easily and I simply told him
"Honey I used to be you... only better"
We started out as friends but then sex came into it and I got attached.
My walls were still down after Sonny and I guess I was still in relationship mode.

I'd like to think had we not slept together we would still be friends but I doubt that.
Had I ignored or shrugged off his advances the little shit would have left anyway.
Be honest... you know it's true ;)

So maybe it's my destiny to be eternally fucked with.

Why am I longing for the people who don't want me and ignoring the guy who does.

I will stay on course but god I could use a drink.