Grey

I miss the simple life.
Back when things were less complicated.

You know the good old days when everything was black & white.

When you knew who you liked... and who you didn't like.
When you loved one person unconditionally and without question.

Am I longing for a bygone era that never really existed?

Is the price of being self aware a blurring of the lines?

All I know for sure is I'm confused.

I should love this guy who actually loves me.
I care a great deal about this man and I could see myself falling in love with him if I let it happen...

But if it is real, should I be able to turn off those feelings so easily?
Thats not my perception of what love is... or at least what I think it's supposed to be.
Maybe my "definition" is in need of an update.

I have cooled things off to the point where we are now just friends.
I am aware that he still wants more but he pretends he's ok with being just friends and I pretend not to notice.
Recently we have been spending more and more time together were even gym buddies now.

I have been seriously considering going to uni next year... the only thing really holding me back is the money.
We were talking about it over coffee last week and he offered to pay for me.
I instantly threw out the idea but he was very persistant.
I only managed to get him to back off by telling him I'd think about it.

I am not at all comfortable with letting him pay for me.
It would be different if we were in a relationship but we aren't.

I would feel obligated or that I owe him more than just a repayment and I don't want that.

We are not together, however...

My ex and I are supposed to "catch up" this weekend.
I know that if we do we will end up sleeping together.

If Hiro and I are just friends...

Then why do I feel like I'm doin something wrong?

Why do I feel like I'm cheating?

I miss when things were black & white.

I hate grey.