Falling

Five months ago I was in a deep depression.
I cut off all my freinds. I isolated myself from everyone and everything.

I was a Zombie.
Walking dead.

Inside I was screaming but no one could hear me.

I used to work in a hotel.
Some days I would sit 45 floors up on the edge of the roof and stare down at my feet and the city below.
I don't know why I did it.

Perhaps I wanted to feel something... anything.

One day as my mind drifted off I lost track of time.
I realised I had been up there too long and being in a sitting position automatically went to stand up.

I caught myself in shock that I had almost dropped off the side of the building.
I felt a rush pass through me, the adrenaline coursing thru my veins.
It was at that moment I realised that "I was still alive"

That's when things started to turn for me.

I made a choice.
I chose to live.

As far as I've come I'm still out there teatering on the edge.
I don't want to fall but I feel as if I'm losing my grip.
I can feel myself slipping.

There's no one there to catch me.
I can't fall.

I've come so far.

Please don't let me fall.

Understanding

Today I finally made peace with my ex-boyfriend.
He returned my calls and we spoke. Openly and honestly.

It was more confirmation of what I had expected but he did throw me a few surprises.

I had written him numerous letters but he hadn't read any of them.
I had written him again only last night.

I asked him if it was my last letter that made him respond and he told me "No" it was a friend of his that had finally conviced him to read them and to face me.
Although greatful to his friend I felt somewhat shafted that it wasn't our connection that had led him here.
To which he replied

"It's not always about you"

He has a way of telling me exactly what I need to hear even if I don't wanna hear it.

I asked him if he'd have been so brave had we not been separated by an ocean.

He just laughed and told me I already knew the answer to that.

I'll admit I was emotionally wrecked afterwards but it was the ending, the resolution we both needed.

Basically he set me free. He set me free for me.

I will always love him and he will always love me.

I had really hurt him and he was avoiding me and I get that, but he was man enough to face me and be honest.

It was the understanding we both needed to move on.
I admire him so much.

I haven't felt this strong in a long time.
Finally it feels like I'm making progress.

I'm dealing with my issues rather than running away from them or clouding myself with distractions.

For the first time I have faith in myself.
I believe I can do this.

I will do this.
I am doing this!

Today I learnt 2 very important lessons

First and foremost... LOVE is understanding.

And the second... in the words of a wise blogger I admire

"I am reason enough"

Sonny this one's for you xoxo

What Is Love?

What is love?

Beyond the physical.
Beyond that burning desire.

What is it?

To me love is like a sacrifice.
When you put someone else’ needs ahead of your own.

To love someone you want them to be happy.
You want them to be content.

So the question becomes...
Can we love someone without losing our own identity?

Is love a bond? or an understanding?

Would you rather be joined, bound together or stand as equals, side by side, hand in hand?

We cannot hope to control the longings of our hearts any more than we can hope to control an oncoming storm.
Love is not logical, intelligent or wise.

It just is...

The heart is raw.
The heart is passionate.

When broken, the heart is a screaming ungrateful child.

I have loved 5 men in my life time and I can honestly say that I still love each and every one.
We may not be "in love" anymore but a piece of my heart will always belong to them.

So what is love to you?

I've asked a few of my friends this question and everyone seems to have a different answer.
Maybe love changes as we change.

All we can do is try to protect our hearts as best we can.
To take care with whom we open ourselves.

To hope for the best.

Temptation

An UPDATE on my sobriety and status as a virgin.

DRINKING
I went out Friday evening with a couple girlfriends in honour of one of the girls starting a new job.
Before we hit the bar we promised ourselves we'd have just one drink and that would be it.

The phrase "Don't make promises you can't keep" comes to mind.
Oh and by the way Malibu with Strawberry and Pineapple is delicious.

The music was great, the conversation flowed, and so did the drinks. Before we knew it our promise of having "just one" had evaporated. It was about this time a guy came over and offered to buy us shots. When he asked what I wanted I stood open mouthed but my girlfriend called out "he'll have tequila". We didn't drink all that much but I hadn't eaten anything all day so the alcohol really hit me.

That night I had plans with a guy friend. We were supposed to have dinner and then see a movie but I blew off dinner because I was having too much fun with the girls.

When I left the bar I was a little woozy and shaky on my feet so I arranged to meet him for coffee and a chat. I got there first so I ordered a quadruple shot tall black and found a table.
The idea... to sober up some before he arrived. While seated I managed to maintain my composure but he noticed I was a little "off" as soon as I stood up.

SMOKING
I've been doin well. I did have 3 cigarettes when we left the bar but they were social and we were drinking and I have a clause for that.

Saturday afternoon I had one more.
I ran into this cute guy I had met at a friend’s party the previous weekend.
I was drinking coffee and he was smoking when we met.
I wasn't sure if I was staring into his eyes or his cigarette.
I broke and asked him for one.
What can I say... there was a hot guy standing before me. I had to put something of his in my mouth and the cigarette was the better option.

SEX
Why is it when you don't want sex you get if offered to you over and over and over again?
I have denied my carnal needs for some time now but I broke on Sunday.

Physically it was a huge relief but it failed to satisfy me on any other level.
It was empty sex.
I didn’t sleep with Hiro because that would have been wrong.
So it was a random hook-up... no harm... no foul.


I feel like I was tested this weekend and that I failed miserably.
I am disappointed in myself.
However, I do not consider it an epic fail more a slip.
I fell off the horse but my intention is to get right back on and try again.

How long can one avoid temptation before we give in?
Does our resolve strengthen or do we simply lose the desire?

I'll let you know when I find out.

Clarity

I'm making great progress on trying to be more health concious.
I haven't had a smoke or a drink all week.

However... being sober has brought about a certain clarity.
You start to see things more in focus.

I'm trying to uncomplicate my life but so far it's having the opposite effect.

My initial goal was to clean up my act and essentially rebuild myself.
To be proud of who I am and not embarrassed.

I have this amazing man who has the potential of being an amazing partner waiting for me.
So why is it all I can think about are my Ex boyfreind (Sonny) and the guy I rebounded with.

I don't believe in long distance realtionships and my ex isn't even in the country.
Currently he won't even talk to me. (I think he's been reading my blog)
I don't think we will ever be together again but I miss him.
All I want is for him to talk to me.

Then there is rebound guy.
I really miss the connection we used to have.
We used to talk on the phone for hours and I could read him like a book.
He asked me once how I read him so easily and I simply told him
"Honey I used to be you... only better"
We started out as friends but then sex came into it and I got attached.
My walls were still down after Sonny and I guess I was still in relationship mode.

I'd like to think had we not slept together we would still be friends but I doubt that.
Had I ignored or shrugged off his advances the little shit would have left anyway.
Be honest... you know it's true ;)

So maybe it's my destiny to be eternally fucked with.

Why am I longing for the people who don't want me and ignoring the guy who does.

I will stay on course but god I could use a drink.

Let Them Eat Cake

A friend of mine has reached a relationship cross roads.
He messaged me in crisis...

OMG STEVE
SO need a fucking blog to pour my emotions out....
All I can say is Chris and Kyle...
Who Am I Living For?
I Slept with Chris last night but then learnt some dark secrets....FMLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!
RIGHT NOW at this very moment, Kyle does not exist. Chris does....

I don't know what I want....I want to have my cake and eat it too.

It was after that last comment that I began to analyze the different men in my friends life and what kinda cakes each would represent.

I refer to my friend as "Strawberry Short Cake" because of his strawberry blond hair.
Others have claimed he is a Ranga (a red head) but "Carrot Cake" isn't a cute enough description

Currently on the menu we have

CHRIS  (Christmas Cake)
Chris is the "ex boyfriend who never really left the scene.
Their actual relationship lasted several years but has been over for some time now.
They still have this strange almost symbiotic connection.
They talk frequently, dine out weekly, holiday with each other and have even lived together post break up.
My friend has told me he sometimes feels as if he is being stalked and can find the relationship to be somewhat suffocating. He has also expressed concern over hurting his ex and some confusion over where the boundaries lay.

I think Chris is like comfort food.
Like a "Christmas Cake" he's been sitting on the shelf for a while... we take comfort in knowing he is there should we need him. My concern is that he may have been on the shelf a little too long and has gone bad.

Then there is...

KYLE  ("Bakery Special" Cake)
Kyle is the "potential boyfriend" from far far away.
The connection was instant and hard to ignore.
They met at a club thru mutual friends while Kyle was on vacation from Canberra.
They realised their mutual attraction during a 3 hour make out session.
He returned home and the two of them have been corresponding via txt, email, facebook, phone calls and fucking smoke signals ever since.
It's an interesting relationship as the distance has forced them to really get to know each other.
After a couple of weeks my friend could no longer stand being apart and flew down for the weekend.
Apart from a few drunken exorcist moments the visit went extremely well.

I compare Kyle to a "Bakery Special" cake. You've had a taste test and you really really like it... but he's not currently "in stock". All you can do is place an order and hope that you don't have to wait too long for another bite.

I was having so much fun doin the Man/Cake comparisons... I kept goin

Also on the menu we have...

WORK BEN  (Sponge Cake)
More accurately speaking he is a "Sponge Cake" that never rose.
My friend had a massive crush on "WORK BEN" but despite all his best efforts he never did get a taste.
Frankly after meeting WORK BEN myself... I don't think he's fit for consumption.

and last but not least..

ORIGINAL BEN  (Wedding Cake)
Original Ben is a friend who happens to be fucking HOT.
He also happens to be in a long term committed relationship.
Still there is an undeniable attraction between them but nothing has ever come of it.
He is like the top of a "Wedding Cake"
You know the piece a couple will keep after the wedding.
He is tempting as hell to eat but you just can't have a piece.

I don't envy my friend Strawberry but I did enjoy creating these cake anologies.
I think it put a smile on his face...

The last thing I said to him was this

In the words of Marie Antoinette "let them eat cake" just remember that bitch lost her head.

Sober

The Sunday morning wake up after a drunken Saturday night out.

I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling.
My head hurts, my side aches and my mouth is filled with the horrible after taste of Pina Colada's, Vanilla Vodka, Hamburgers and Cigarettes (YUK)

Today is my first day being sober.
I use the term "sober" loosely as I have no intention of becoming a tea totaler
I will still drink sporadically but only when there is reason and no longer in excess.

I'm also gonna cut back on smoking.... once upon a time I only ever smoked when I went out but lately it seems I light up whenever I have a free hand.

I have tried quitting many times before but my heart just wasn't in it.

It feels different this time.

My "friends" don't believe in me.... but thats ok because I believe in myself.

I am making this change for me
I feel ready... this time it feels right.

I have always used alcohol as kinda a safety blanket.
It afforded me a certain freedom.

When you are drunk you are free of doubt and uncertainty.
Free to open up without fear.
Free to do and say whatever the hell you want.

But that freedom is false.
You have no real control.

I used to think I had to fuck myself up.
To be funny, outgoing and social.
To be me.

I've been testing the waters lately and it turns out I can be all of these things sober.
Sure it takes a little more effort, but it can be done.

So I'm doin it.
I've said I want to be a better man.

Today the binge drinking ends... and I begin.

Disarmament

It's funny...

No matter how much time has passed, no matter how strong we think we are, no matter how fortified our defences... certain people are able to effortlessly walk right through them.

Generally these people are referred to as Ex's, and sometimes if the bond was strong enough long lost friends.

I saw a prime example of that today.

A gurlfriend and I had just seen the movie "Sucker Punch" which I might add is fucking amazing and was almost the title of this particular post!

When we ran into "him"

For sake of this story we will refer to "him" as "Mr Cullen"
He has also been referred to as Angel, He Who Shall Not Be Named, Voldemort, Late night booty call man, and an Al-Qaeda Cell leader hiding in his own sovereign nation while human trafficking in Thailand.

Anyway...

"Mr Cullen" was once a very important person in my gurls life.
In fact you could say his world once revolved around "Mr Cullen"

It's taken a long time and a couple more relationships but my gurl believed she had finally gotten him completely out of her system.

Turns out she was wrong.

It's so easy to remain strong when someone is but a memory.
Not so easy when you are staring right into his piercing pale baby blue eyes perched perfectly above his juicy luscious lips and you can see his rock hard body through his tight fitting tailored suit, all while he's being extremely charming and offering to buy you a drink.

I'm exhausted just writing that... imagine what it was like to be there.

From my outside perspective it all seemed fine to me... but my gurl was bubbling beneath the surface.

Whenever we got a few seconds alone I played the supportive but smart ass friend... asking how she was then making fun and laughing in her face.

A few drinks later we parted company and by we I mean I parted company with them.

I kissed my gurl, and her handsome hottie goodbye, made a private snide remark under my breath and then left them to their own volition.

A short while later "my gurl" called.

Sparks did fly... and offers were made... but she stayed strong.

She was worn out from the experience and felt somewhat miserable... but I was proud of her.

Yes he got to her... but she was given the choice to "re-visit" the past she chose not too.

She is a lot stronger than she thinks.

My legs would have parted so fast it would have created a sonic boom.

Getting back to my point...

There are some people in our lives who will always be able to get to us.
Especially when they remind us of what made us fall in love with them to begin with.

When realtionships end and people go out of your life they leave a scar.
We carry these scars with us always.

Even with healing and time... even if you can't see it anymore... you still know its there.
If you run your finger along the surface you can feel it.
It's apart of who you are now.

Granted when some relationships end it feels more like an amputaion.
Just remember... even amputees can learn to adapt... to work around their "handicap"
To go on and lead full, happy, functional lives.

There is hope for all of us.

Bond

Yesterday I caught up with 3 of my best girlfriends "my ladies" for lunch.

Four soul sistahs... sharing our lives over sushi and caramelised mochas.

It was so "Sex and the City"

Previously my friends and I have always cast ourselves or more honestly each other as one of the girls.
I have identified with both Charlotte and Samantha but I realise now I am no longer either.
I can still relate to aspects of both characters but I am original... my own person.

It was during our lunch I had to pause and take in what was goin on around me.

Four, amazing, intelleigent, emotional, flawed individuals all sharing our lives.

Our experiences, our disappointments, our hopes, our pains, our dreams.

I am a very lucky man to have each and everyone of you in my life.

We are all unique.
We are all special.

We all enrich each other's lives.

I imagine a world without you in it would have a lot less laughter.

Thank you for being a friend.

Shit... now I sound more golden girls than sex and the city.

Peachy

It's amazing how powerful a positive outlook can be.
How a simple attitude adjustment can dramatically change your perception of things.

Right now... I am feeling really good.

To look at me you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
The changes are all internal... but they are real.

I'm sending positive vibes out there and I'm getting positive vibes in return.

Things take less effort than before, in fact some things which were once a gargantuan effort are now almost effortless.

I'm being super social rather than hibernating.

Everything is snowballing.

This is my last week or drunken debauchery.

Don't worry I'm not turning into a priest and I don't believe in the idea of going cold turkey.

I just feel like taking time out from my usual binge drinking escapades.
Being a little more accountable... responsible for my actions.
Finding a healthy balance.

Right now everything is peachy fucking keen, probably because it's mostly still all in my head... an ideal.
I'm done with the theory... time to start the practical.

Growing old is mandatory... growing up is optional... maybe it's time for me to explore that option.

Better Man

Previously I've touched on the fact that I don't like myself all that much.

I look in the mirror and I don't like the man staring back at me.
He looks tired... worn... unhappy.

I've wanted to change for some time but have been unable to self motivate... to find the drive I need to make those changes.

Sometimes I lay in bed in the morning and I struggle to find a reason just to get up.

No course.
No drive.
No direction.

Only distraction.

I know now what I want.

I want to be a better man.

Hiro has given me the greatest gift.

Hope.

He believes in me... and if he can do that... maybe I can believe in myself.

You inspire me babe.

I just hope you are as patient as you are kind.

Without Reason

It was April fools day... and despite the likelihood of the universe playing some sort of cruel joke. I took a chance.

I got home from the Gold Coast and gave Hiro a call.
I wanted to get our talk out of the way sooner rather than later so I hoped we could catch up.

He told me he had plans with friends but invited me to join them.
He was persistent but I ungracefully declined his invitation.
I did however let him know he could txt me when he was done to see if I was still up.

I'll admit I was eagerly awaiting his txt... and he didn't let me down.
Later that night I receive a message.

"Are you up? I know I am ;)"

When the hell did sleazy become so cute?

I replied that I was indeed awake but not UP

"Can I come and get you?"

To which I said:

"You can if you want but I am not sleeping with you"

Our txts quickly became sexts and in the end we both agreed to meet... just to talk.

He took me up to the look out at Mt Cootha.
I'd been there before with friends but never with a "potential mate"
He distracted me with his goofy sexiness.
It wasn't until we got out of the car that I remembered the whole purpose of our meeting was to have the awkward conversation I didn't want to give and he didn't want to hear.

It was some time before I could find the words (5 cigarettes to be exact)
I took a deep breath and finally spoke.

I told him. That I really liked him but that I didn't think it was a good idea for us to have sex anymore.
His eyes narrowed but he never lost his smile.
He asked me if that meant we couldn't see each other any more.

I told him "No" but that that might not be a bad idea.

He stared at me "Do you want me to go away?"

Of course I said "No" that's not what I want but it is what I need.
He sat for a long time looking at the view of the city.
Eventually he turned to me and this is what he said:

"I've been single for a long time because I haven't met the right person.
I wasn't looking when I met you.
I think about you... without reason. Your just there.
More and more all I see is you.
You try to be hard but I can see you. Inside.
I don't know what it means only that I want to be with you"

I said nothing but I'm sure he could read it all over my face.

He took my hand and spoke again:

"You tell me I need to go away but you want me to stay
If you're not ready... I can wait"

"Ask me to wait for you... and I will"

I was overcome with emotion. I was shaking... I was crying.
Though filled with tears I was beaming with happiness.
I couldn't breathe I was gasping for air.
He held me in his strong embrace until I found my calm.

I looked into his eyes and managed to mumble the words:

"I'll try not to take too long"

He smiled... I laughed... and we kissed.

I so could have fucked him right there and then... but I didn't.

If and when it does happen...

I want it to be special
I want to be ready
I want to feel worthy

For fuck sake Steve... don't let this amazing man get away.
Get your shit together and hurry the fuck up.

Until that day comes...

I will think about you Hiro... without reason :)

Orientation

Orientation... usually used to define the sexual nature of someone but for the purpose of this blog I'm using it as a metaphor as I attempt to explore and define the nature of my feelings for a certain Japanese gentleman.

I have mentioned previously that I feel as if I am in "uncharted territory"... lost without a compass or a star to guide me.

How do I feel about Hiro?

I do like him allot and I certainly like the way he makes me feel but it's almost like there is something missing.

I'm starting to wonder if what’s missing is "me"

I realise now it's not only with Hiro that I feel lost... I feel lost in general.

Currently... I don't like myself all that much.
I feel hollow.
How can I respect someone who likes me when I don't even like "myself".

This isnt a fairytale... where my knight in shining amour, my Hiro will come along and save me.
I have to save myself.

I am not ready for a relationship... that is abundantly clear.

I hope that Hiro and I can become friends but for now I think I need some distance.
I will talk to him about it because he's a good man and he deserves to know the truth and the right to decide for himself.

I hope he sticks around.

I wanted to find my sense of direction and I guess I've done that.

My destination is "Me".

Wish me luck on my journey.

I know it's corny and super gay but then so am I... besides it really fits how I'm feeling.