2 Days

I lost my phone on Thursday night.

I was having dinner with my ex, the one whom I've become close with again, the wolf in sheeps clothing.
Not wanting to ruin the night I thought nothing of it at the time, until I realised I'd lost more than just a phone.

I'd lost all my contacts, including the number of a certain Japanese gentleman.

I didn't realise how much I wanted to call him until... I couldn't call him.

You think I'd know the number off by heart or have it written down somewhere, or have some other means of being able to contact him but I don't.

I began to panic.

"What if he thinks I'm ignoring him"?

Surely not... surely he knows me well enough to know I wouldn't do that.

Who am I kidding.

He does know me and I would do that :P

The panic was setting in.

What should I do?

I don't want him to think I'm ignoring him but I don't want him to get the idea that I miss him or anything like that.
That would mean I have "feelings" for him... am I ready to acknowledge that?

Maybe he will think I'm avoiding him because I don't want to go to the gym.

Then he'll think I'm lazy... I don't want him to think I'm lazy... why I am concerned with what he thinks of me?

Should I meet him when he finishes work? oh shit I forgot when he's working this week.

I would go to his place but, I don't want to show up unannounced, that would be rude.

Besides what if he has someone over there.
Why do I care if he has someone over there?

It's not like we're together.
Why do I care if he's not my boyfriend?

After this long winded train of thought 2 things have become clear to me.

1. Apparently I do care.

and

2. It's been 2 days and I miss him.

Gone

I was in the city today having lunch with friends and a few drinks with my class mates.

Rebound guy had contacted me recently and we'd exchanged numbers and txts.
I'm not sure why but I messaged him and we ended up meeting.

It was strange seeing him again.

All the feelings that lingered, the way I used to react when he was around were gone.
There was no spark, no chemistry.

Perhaps it's because I still carry baggage when it comes to him.
Part of the reason I have chosen to remain distant, apart from the obvious hurt is that I didnt want him to see me bitter.
I didnt want to be that way and I knew that being around him would bring that out in me.

I haven't seen him since last year.
I was worried when I saw him but my fears were unfounded... there was no bitterness.

But there was no connection either.

He has a great life now. He's been working a steady job and he has had a partner for the last 6 months.
He is happy and I am happy for him.

But... what ever it was we had is gone.
There was no flow anymore.

Everything was a real effort like trying to make small talk with a stranger when your not really interested in what they are saying.

I'm sad.

I had really missed him... but the man I knew is gone.
He's grown up, he's moved on... and here I am living in the past trying to re-capture something I'm not sure ever really existed.

I still love him and wish him the best but there is no feeling anymore.
It is worth trying to re-build a friendship with someone who I was once so close with or is it better to just let it go... only time will tell.

Perspective

This week I've learnt alot about myself.

Thanks to the advise of two very insightful individuals.

Both are distant cousins of mine.
Both are people I respect and admire.

One is like a sister to me... the other I have only just met.
They shared their views of love and life.

It seems I've become concrete... set in my ways... standing still watching everyones else pass me by.
You both really made me open my eyes.

One of you forced me to really look at myself... what it is I want out of life and where I'm going.
The other reminded me to believe... that in a world where everything is fucked up unjaded eyes give hope.

Confronting, and an unclouded innocent perspective.

Jamie
I love you. You are one of my best friends... You know me so well.
You know that once I love someone... when I trust someone enough to really let them in... I never let them go. So I guess that means your stuck with me.
I hope you can turn your insight and that big heart of yours back in on yourself.
You are so much stronger than you know.

Thank you for making me see myself.

and...

Tyrone
It seems you've had a lot of life experience or maybe you just have an old soul.
You are wise beyond your years yet still young and naive.
You gave this old dogg perspective.
It's nice to see things with unjaded eyes... it's been a long time.
I envy you. You are beautiful inside and out. I hope that life is kind to you and that you never lose your way.

Thank you for reminding me of where I came from.

Grey

I miss the simple life.
Back when things were less complicated.

You know the good old days when everything was black & white.

When you knew who you liked... and who you didn't like.
When you loved one person unconditionally and without question.

Am I longing for a bygone era that never really existed?

Is the price of being self aware a blurring of the lines?

All I know for sure is I'm confused.

I should love this guy who actually loves me.
I care a great deal about this man and I could see myself falling in love with him if I let it happen...

But if it is real, should I be able to turn off those feelings so easily?
Thats not my perception of what love is... or at least what I think it's supposed to be.
Maybe my "definition" is in need of an update.

I have cooled things off to the point where we are now just friends.
I am aware that he still wants more but he pretends he's ok with being just friends and I pretend not to notice.
Recently we have been spending more and more time together were even gym buddies now.

I have been seriously considering going to uni next year... the only thing really holding me back is the money.
We were talking about it over coffee last week and he offered to pay for me.
I instantly threw out the idea but he was very persistant.
I only managed to get him to back off by telling him I'd think about it.

I am not at all comfortable with letting him pay for me.
It would be different if we were in a relationship but we aren't.

I would feel obligated or that I owe him more than just a repayment and I don't want that.

We are not together, however...

My ex and I are supposed to "catch up" this weekend.
I know that if we do we will end up sleeping together.

If Hiro and I are just friends...

Then why do I feel like I'm doin something wrong?

Why do I feel like I'm cheating?

I miss when things were black & white.

I hate grey.

Chemistry

The other day I meet up with an ex-boyfriend.
Originally he had asked me out to the movies but I was like "Honey, if were gonna meet up I'm gonna need drinks".

It was good to see him again... strange, but good.

We caught up on each others lives, competing to see who's life is more fucked up.

He won!

Now I know it's wrong and I don't wish anything bad on him but as he was sharing his tales of woe I could not help but laugh.
I laughed my ass off.

I composed myself long enough to say "Karmas a bitch and you know I am too".

He seemed a little annoyed at first but then he couldn't help himself, and laughed with me.

It was a great ice breaker.

After that things loosened up and it was just like old times.
Originally I had agreed to the meeting because I was curious but I had a really good time.

Times change, people change.
We are nothing like we were but the chemistry is still there.

I've missed him and enough time has passed for all the venom he injected me with to work its way out of my system.
He is still a sleazy selfish prick but I know that now so the way I handle him is different.

Let me explain...

I would compare him to a wolf in sheep's clothing.
When we first met I wasn't aware of this, so when he ate me alive it was a complete surprise.
Now that I am fully aware of who and what he is I think we will be ok.

Don't get me wrong I have absolutely no romantic interest in him anymore.
However, having said that if he tries to sleep with me... and I know he will... I won't put up much of a fight

I could be friends with a Wolf

Graduation

Well yesterday I graduated (YAH) for me.

During graduation we took time to reflect on all the things we've done and realise shit all this stuff adds up and we've actually accomplished something.
The day was spent recognising that accomplishment, patting ourselves on the back, and laughing at the struggles it took for us to get here.
I was surprised at just how proud I was of us all, and the strength of the bond shared with my class mates.
Chances are I may never see some of them beyond graduation but today we were as one.

I haven't studied in years and it came as quiet a shock for me to realise not only am I still capable but also I am pretty damn good at it.
I am seriously considering going to Uni full time next year.
The social dynamics made me feel as though I was back in high school.
The cliques, the parties, the heated sexual tensions.... I thought we were supposed to out grow these things but apparently not.

Although it is somewhat of an ego boost to be hit on, on a daily basis, it means next to nothing when your gay and you are targeted by women.
Not just women... old women. I was hunted down in cougar town.
For some reason I seem to be an object of infatuation for old ladies.
The mothers of my ex boyfriends all loved me, some more than their actual sons, and it seems any older women who hasn't realised I am gay tries to fuck me.

Guess I'm too butch for my own good :P

Tonight I'm heading out with my ladies to celebrate!
Congratulations class of 2011... Donna get your hand out of my pants!

Gluttony

One of the 7 deadly sins and unfortunalety my sin of choice these past few months.
I've done everything in excess and its starting to show.
I'm more bootylicious than normal and worn out.

Thats a polite way of me saying

"Holy shit I'm fucking FAT and looking old"

Guess I have only myself to blame :P
I know exactly how I got here.

It's been a fun ride but now it's time for me to get off.
Even my fat clothes don't fit me anymore, and thats saying something.

Time to hit the gym and I think I just may have the perfect gym buddy to keep me "motivated" ;P

Goodbye McDonalds... Hello JETTS

Reignition

I've been out of the blogging loop for a little while now.
Mostly because I've been too busy, but also because I haven't felt like writing.
Here I am again... let's see what happens.

How am I feelings these days?

I don't feel dark, or hopeless or empty.
But something is off.

Maybe I'm broken inside.

I'm out, I'm living.
I'm studying, I'm making new friends, I'm partying.
But I don't feel any of it.

It's feels more like I'm standing on the outside looking in
No depression or sadness but no happiness or joy either.

I'm getting along well with my family and friends.
Making strides to improve my health.

Actually I'm well on my way to sorting all my shit out.
I keep on moving but with out some kind of emotion it all seems... well kinda pointless.

I'm getting everything I want so shouldn't I feel something?

I tire of simply goin through the motions.
I want passion
I want to feel it burning inside me
I want that drive
I want satisfaction.

I used to have all these things.
Now it seems I am a watered down version of myself.

What good is victory if you can't enjoy it.

The spark is gone.
I gotta find a way to re-ignite the fire within.

Falling

Five months ago I was in a deep depression.
I cut off all my freinds. I isolated myself from everyone and everything.

I was a Zombie.
Walking dead.

Inside I was screaming but no one could hear me.

I used to work in a hotel.
Some days I would sit 45 floors up on the edge of the roof and stare down at my feet and the city below.
I don't know why I did it.

Perhaps I wanted to feel something... anything.

One day as my mind drifted off I lost track of time.
I realised I had been up there too long and being in a sitting position automatically went to stand up.

I caught myself in shock that I had almost dropped off the side of the building.
I felt a rush pass through me, the adrenaline coursing thru my veins.
It was at that moment I realised that "I was still alive"

That's when things started to turn for me.

I made a choice.
I chose to live.

As far as I've come I'm still out there teatering on the edge.
I don't want to fall but I feel as if I'm losing my grip.
I can feel myself slipping.

There's no one there to catch me.
I can't fall.

I've come so far.

Please don't let me fall.

Understanding

Today I finally made peace with my ex-boyfriend.
He returned my calls and we spoke. Openly and honestly.

It was more confirmation of what I had expected but he did throw me a few surprises.

I had written him numerous letters but he hadn't read any of them.
I had written him again only last night.

I asked him if it was my last letter that made him respond and he told me "No" it was a friend of his that had finally conviced him to read them and to face me.
Although greatful to his friend I felt somewhat shafted that it wasn't our connection that had led him here.
To which he replied

"It's not always about you"

He has a way of telling me exactly what I need to hear even if I don't wanna hear it.

I asked him if he'd have been so brave had we not been separated by an ocean.

He just laughed and told me I already knew the answer to that.

I'll admit I was emotionally wrecked afterwards but it was the ending, the resolution we both needed.

Basically he set me free. He set me free for me.

I will always love him and he will always love me.

I had really hurt him and he was avoiding me and I get that, but he was man enough to face me and be honest.

It was the understanding we both needed to move on.
I admire him so much.

I haven't felt this strong in a long time.
Finally it feels like I'm making progress.

I'm dealing with my issues rather than running away from them or clouding myself with distractions.

For the first time I have faith in myself.
I believe I can do this.

I will do this.
I am doing this!

Today I learnt 2 very important lessons

First and foremost... LOVE is understanding.

And the second... in the words of a wise blogger I admire

"I am reason enough"

Sonny this one's for you xoxo