Uncharted Territory

How do you know when you’re over the hill?

When you spend all Saturday night playing Monopoly.
It sounds so sad but what’s worse is I actually had a lot of fun.

Anyway... 8.30 Monday morning... I'm about to go to bed when I receive a txt...
The message is from Hiro. It reads

"Hey there Sexy
Hope I didn’t wake you
Have you even gone to bed yet?
I get off work in 30 mins
Love to take you out for breakfast
Are you up for it?"

It was typical of him to be so cute... even via txt

I thought about it for a moment and sent my reply

"Sure... call me when you’re done"

I had agreed to meet with him but was unsure what for exactly.
I have recently taken a vow of chastity after all and my relationship with Hiro up until this point has been entirely based on sex.

This was uncharted territory...

He picked me up and took me to this great little cafe. It was a really nice place but after perusing the menu I decided I'd rather just have coffee and cigarettes.
He felt the same way so we ordered coffee to go and found a quiet place to talk.

It was strange having an actual conversation that wasn’t all heading in the direction of the bedroom.
We have chatted before about non sexually related stuff but only really online never face to face.
I felt awkward at first but he quickly put me at ease.

After breakfast we went back to his place
We began our regular song and dance that usually leads to sex but I remained strong... and besides I wasn't in the mood.
I wondered why I'd even gone back there.

I didn't feel sexy.
I felt vulnerable...

For the first time I had allowed myself to engage with him as a person and it was scaring the shit out of me.
Every fibre in my being was screaming for me to get the hell out of there but I couldn't.
He was so comforting and so disarming. I didn’t want to leave.

He must have sensed my mood because he just stopped and he held me in his arms.
We both lay there for what felt like an eternity.
I wanted to speak but I couldn’t find the words so I just lay there in his arms and fell asleep.

We slept all day.

When I woke I was hungry so he cooked noodles and we ate them in bed.

He asked me if I wanted to stay but I told him that I had to get home.

He dropped me off kissed me goodbye and told me he hoped we could do this again sometime
Of course my sarcastic distrusting nature forced me to ask...

"Why?... you didn’t even get laid"

His response...

"I enjoy being with you... and "this" was nice"

Then he kissed me again

I did my best not to let him see me smile as he drove away.

I don't know what "this" is but I think I'm willing to find out.
All I know for sure is... I'm smiling... the first genuine smile in a long time.

Singularity

I don't want sex... I want intimacy and there is a difference.

The problem is right now I know I'm not ready for the relationship required to get that intimacy.

I am single... a "Singularity"

For those of you who don't know a "Singularity" is a fancy name for a "black hole"
How do I draw comparisons between these two vastly different concepts apart from the clever use of the word “Single”.

Hear me out...

In theory a "Singularity" is created when a heavy star collapses in a Supernova.
The implosion creates a region of space from which nothing, not even light, can escape.

It's ironic that something once so bright and warm, so full of life can collapse in on itself and become this dark empty void.
Sometimes I feel as if I am floating out there sucking the light and life out of all those around me.

Being "single" in a sea of friends all either involved or at least in the early stages of a partnership isn't easy.

I may not be ready for a "deep" relationship but maybe a "superficial" one isn’t out of the question.

I hope there is someone out there... who can get close to me without the sheer gravity of who and what I am tearing them apart.

I don't know about you but I'd much rather be called a "Singulairty" than a "Supermassive black hole"

Virgin

I've decided that I can no longer classify myself as "GAY"

The term "GAY" denotes a sexuality pertaining to someone who is sexual.
After careful consideration I have decided to no longer have sex.
Therefore I need re-classification.

From now on I am a "VIRGIN" (born again)

What has bought about this sudden change you may ask?

Mostly because I'm just not enjoying it.

Don't get me wrong I love sex and am privy to a couple of good sexual partners.
But I've realised lately that although the bodily mechanics are satisfied I'm left feeling empty.
I realise now my true calling is that of a "VIRGIN"

I will happily fly the white flag of purity, not of surrender.
I will march in the "VIRGIN" pride parade, among my sisters of religious zealots, spinsters and fuglies.

We may be "VIRGIN" but we are people too.

Don't hate on us because we were born this way.

I will miss my slutty brethren.
I can only hope that they will see the light and follow my example.

Farewell ladies... I will pray for you with my free hand.

Forgiven Not Forgotten

Today I turn 31 (YAH for me)

Maybe I'm getting sentimental in my old age but a freind told me recently that life is just too dam short.
Take a chance, what have you got to loose?

Apart from my dignity and pride not all that much.

So I'm issuing all a "Get out of jail free card"

I apologise if I offended or hurt any one but all you fuckers know you deserved it!

Your forgiven... not forgotten

I don't just have the ass of an elephant... I have the memory too

I've graduated from "Vodka Therapy" to the "Joint-cha Sessions"... hopefully I'll figure out my shit before I move up  to "Methadone Treatment"

I will elaborate when I'm sober

Love to all xoxo

CONTINUED...

Sometimes I will say things that aren’t 100% true... sometimes I will say things that are outright lies.

I will be sarcastic, I will be ironic, I will joke, I will exaggerate, embellish and slant things based on my own personal perspective.

I write from my inner voice and who of you doesn’t do all these things inside your own head.

This blog is a glimpse of the inside workings of my mind not a clinical reality based text book definition.

All I can tell you is that all the feelings, the ideas and intent behind the thoughts are real.

If you continue to read it is at your own discretion...

Vodka Therapy

Time for a change...

Usually a thought will pop into my head, I'll jump on the computer and start writing as the thought is happening. I've mentioned before that my blog is more like a conversation among friends as I find it's the easiest way for me to write.

I've tried thinking things thru before I jump on but I've never been able to get it down.

Also incase you havent noticed I've randomley started adding songs to my posts.
What can I say... I'm emotional, a little corny and I love music.

I want to delve back into how this all started, so I'm gonna give "thinking things thru" another try.
Here I go...

This is where it all began... the foundations of what was to become the first steps in my journey of self discovery. It started with a drink or 2 or 3 and shots and cigarettes and 2 of my best girl friends... I had called an emergency meeting as I was feeling particularly low upon the realisation that all men are pigs. At first the conversation was stilted and emotional... there were tears and feelings of self loathing... I had invited my soul sister Sita as I needed her particular brand of biased unconditional loving support the kind only a true friend can give. To complement Sita I had also asked Amina... a great friend with exstensive counselling experience.

I had just broken up with a guy whom I'd been living with for over a year so it was a little messy. Looking back now I'm actually thankful to him. Before meeting him I had written myself off as someone who just wasn't meant to be in a relationship. I had come to terms with this belief to the point of total acceptance. He kinda caught me off guard and before I knew it I was in the very thing I never thought I'd have. Yes the relationship was dysfunctional.... no wait that’s not a strong enough term... it was completely FUCKED.

Still it made me realise that this is something I want and more importantly something I actually deserve.
If I can fall in love with a pig that treats me like a piece of shit then clearly there is someone out there for everyone.

I had just had this major life changing revelation over drinks with the girls.
The very first Vokda Therapy session.

As I continued to explain the situation I was worried I'd get Amina's professional opinion when what I really needed was for her to be a friend.
Thank god she came thru with the goods ("Hell NO... he did what?")

When it was over, we finished the bottle and hit the clubs.

It was a fucking amazing night.
The first of many...

Miss Amina this song is for you ;) xoxo

Define

It is our insecurities that define us...

The thought just came to me in the shower.
It's stired up a whole bunch of interesting and deep observations.

If that shit aint pattented then I'm claiming it.

To be continued...

Monopoly

I was talking to my cousin Jamie the other day about how I'm currently "missing..." all these people
(Jamie was one of those on the list so at least it's getting shorter!)

During our conversation, we laughed, we cried (usually at each others expense) and we both came up with an interesting concept when it comes to long lost relationships.

The get out of jail free card....

Wouldn’t it be cool if regardless of what's happened in the past you could just pull out this card and both parties could pretend like nothing had happened.
Kinda a reset at least for any bad blood or awkward feelings that may be involved.

I would love to spend just a day with each of these people.
With no thoughts of yesterday and no promises for tomorrow... just today.

The idea intrigues me

UPDATES:
I will apologise to my sister.
Clearly I offended her which was not my intention but at the same time I will let her know that I do not find her behaviour or the extreme way in which she retaliated acceptable.

I'm gonna stop avoiding Hiro. Live more in the moment and just see what happens

I intend on visiting Jillian... I'm not sure if I will actually see her but the intention is there and that’s an achievement believe me.

There are others on the list but I'm still unsure how to proceed with them.

I'm aiming to be a better person... but I'm not a fucking saint.

Missing...

A long lost friend messaged me today.

Her name is Jade.

Jade is one of those people who was once a very important part of my life.
Although I jokingly mention her every now and again to my friends I hadn't really thought about her or how I feel about her in a long time.

Turns out I miss her.

At the moment I'm missing a lot of people....
Maybe I'm nostalgic?
Maybe I'm lonely?

I miss how we once were...

Once upon a time we were really close.
We used to go to primary school together, we worked together for almost 4 years, we lived together for almost 2 years... but somewhere along the line we fell out.

Things went too far, beyond the point of us ever being able to go back.
I didn’t like the person she had become or the person I became when I was with her.
So we ended it.

I seem to do that allot.

Do I continue to associate with the wrong people or is it just me?
Am I to blame?

It takes a lot for me to "write someone off" but for some reason I keep having to do it.
It's not something I take lightly as I am an extremely emotional person and it's very hard for me to let go of someone I have bonded with.

Sometimes you don't have a choice.
You have to let go.

Even though you know it will really hurt... sometimes it hurts more holding on.
Is it selfish to choose yourself over a relationship?
Maybe I don't know... but sometimes it can't be any other way?

Currently

I miss my Sister
I miss Sonny
I miss Jillian
I miss Jamie
I miss EJ
I miss Jade

I haven't let go of all of these people but the nature of all these relationships has changed.

I miss how we once were...

Sister

I've always had this secret desire to find out that my sister is actually adopted...

See I have 1, younger sister 29, and 2 younger brothers aged 13 and 14.
I am the oldest and I guess you could say the mother hen to the others.
My brothers and I look the same, we have the same sense of humour, think and act allot a like but my sister is like my polar opposite in almost every respect.

The chalk to my cheese.
The ying to my yang.
The Coke Zero to my Coke.

(EXPLAINATION: I mix really well and despite the fact that I might not be all that good for you, you can't help coming back for more. I may be bad but I'm honest about who and what I am. Coke Zero is at best is a bland imitation and everything about is artificial.)

I've always been introverted but outgoing while she's always been extroverted but with low self esteem. I was the smart one with no drive. She was the driven one with no smarts. I've always been my own person, she's always been a sheep. I'm nice and she's a bitch (an objective opinion I assure you)

She is immature, selfish and annoying and... and! she has absolutely NO sense of humour!!!

So I posted something publically on her wall that may have been highly offensive... what’s the big deal?
Her boyfriend and all her friends found it funny.

Ok I know I'm just ranting because that’s what I do to get my frustrations out of my system.
I'm going to be the bigger person, show my maturity and do the right thing.
Clearly an apology is in order here...

So Kylie (that’s my sister’s name) when you’re ready...

I will accept your apology for not having a sense of humour and not getting my exceedingly funny and publically humiliating joke.

You’re my sister.... and despite your seemingly endless list of annoying flaws... I love you

Prime

"My life is likened to a bargain store
And I may have just what you're looking for
If you don't mind the fact that all the merchandise is used
With a little mending it could be as good as new"

A friend of mine posted that as her facebook status recently...
Apparently they are the lyrics to a Dolly Parton song.
I was unaware of this at the time and so I read it as a statement.

My retort...

"So what you're saying is... We were once high priced but as we are now approaching out "best before date" we have been heavily discounted.

All we have to look forward to now is gaining value as an antique!"

So it got me thinking...

Have I passed my prime?

Reproductively?... sure

Physically?... maybe... but theres more to it than that.

I much prefer to look at it like this.

I was once a firm plump luscious grape. Sweet and juicy

Life happened, and it came down like a heavy mallet.
I was beaten I was bruised and finally crushed leaving a watery pulp.

Now I have a choice

I could sit and regret that I am no longer what I was... becoming stagnant and bitter or...
I can mature taking the knowledge I have gained to grow as a person, to become more

So I ask myself again... have I passed my prime?

HELL NO!!!!!

You can keep your cheap fruit and sour grape juice... I'm a fine wine honey

A 1980, Hawke's Bay Bordeaux to be exact!

CHEERS

RANDOMNESS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZqrG1bdGtg