The Fuck, The Friend, The Crushes & The Ex

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here and I’m unsure if I can even do it anymore but I’m gonna try.

Previously this blog has been a way for me to vent all my negative feelings and try to make sense of all the bullshit in my life but right now.... life is pretty fucking great.

The only thing that really has me thinking at the moment is men.
There are currently 5 men who keep popping up in my thoughts. For the sake of anonymity I will refer to them as  “The Fuck, The Friend, The Crushes & The Ex”

The Fuck happens to be one of my bosses. He’s what I refer to as a fence sitter. That means he looks and acts straight accept when he’s reaming me in the bedroom. He’s never been with guys before but has always been curious. He’s in his early 30s, beautiful olive skin, Italian decent, very masculine. We hooked up at a work party about 4 months ago and it’s steadily become a regular thing.  No one at work knows and I guess that makes it kinda hot for me. It’s gone from quick fucks to sleep overs and we have been spending more and more time together.
I really like being with him but I’m not sure I’m ready to quantify what we have as a “relationship”
He hasn’t said anything yet but I can see signs so I’m thinking about it now so when we do have “the talk” I will have something tangible to say to him.

The Friend  is also fence sitter. We had a drunken night  out clubbing with a group of straight male friends. I told him I was bored at his straight clubs and that I was gonna leave and go to a gay one. I assumed our night together would end there but he asked if he could tag along. He is gorgeous , tall, dirty blonde, bronzed skin and killer blue eyes so of course he was getting hit on relentlessly. He looked so uncomfortable and nervous his eyes constantly scanning the crowd looking for the next groping hand. I laughed and got lost in the music then I remember looking to check on him and he was staring right at me. He was focused and it caught me a little off guard. I asked him if he was ok and he leaned in and started making out with me. I couldn’t quite believe it was happening but he was good and it felt awesome to be making out with this guy everyone seemed to want.
He sleazed his way back to my place and into my bed but I did not have sex with him.
We made out a little more and he constantly spooned his “naked” hardon into my “clothed” ass.
Since then we have been close. We talk about sex and relationship stuff openly and flirt and tease each other constantly.
Recently things have intensified. I get the feeling he is gotten the nerve to try it again and I’m not sure I’ll be able to resist this time or even if I want to.

The Crushes

Crush 1
Asian,mid 30s broad buff body, great hair.
Works in a restaurant I go to all the time, the food is delicious but the view is even better.
We constantly flirt and tease each other. He is a really kewl guy and we have the same dry twisted sense of humour.
He is gay! but masculine, most of my girlfriends who have met him had no idea.
I could actually see myself in a relationship with a guy like him but I really, really like his food and if it didn’t work out I’d have to travel too far to another decent restaurant :P

Crush 2
Luscious full lips and really deep dark eyes, origin unknown? He’s asked me out twice.
He also works in a restaurant and I’ve always thought he was cute.
I ran into him outside work once and he was with a bunch of older guys so he looked like he was in his early 20s we chatted for a little bit and shared a cigarette. He asked me to join him for a drink but I was meeting a friend so I told him maybe some other time. A couple of days later I saw him again only this time he was with a bunch of younger guys and he looked like he was only 17. He asked me out again but I hastily made up some excuse. After that I started avoiding him. Some weeks later a friend of mine and I had dinner at his restaurant. She was also fascinated by his features and wanted to know what his background was. When we spoke with him he was very short and standoffish. She asked him where he was from and when he said he didn’t know she said “what are you a fucking test tube baby”. Since then we have been distant but we pass each other all the time, I can’t help checking him out and I catch him checking me out too.

Finally we come to

The Ex
Late 30s, white, tall, blue eyes sexy smile.
I used to refere to my ex as my “not boyfriend” he asked me once why I called him that and my immediate reply was “because I’m not emotionally attached to you” in case you’ve forgotten I can be a blunt cunt... but I’m still nice.
Things kinda fizzled out for us. He was a little to clingy for me but we did have a great time together and we remain friends.
I have a bad history with exes always going back n forth and although it wasn’t exactly a classic love story I do think about revisiting and maybe putting in some effort this time.

So there you have it.... hmmm it felt different writing this time.
It wasn't how I expected it to be. Maybe I'm just out of practice.

I guess time will tell :)

Signing Off

Well this is it.
The end of the road for me and this blog.

It has been my safety blanket.
A place for me to vent all my thoughts and feelings.
To question myself and to reflect on my actions.

It has helped me get thru some tough times.

I once poured my emotions into these pages because holding on to them would have over whelmed me.
But my time of reflection is over now.
I don't need to look back anymore.

I want to look forward... I want to move on.

What once helped guide me is now holding me back.
So it's time for me to let go.

No more living in the past... just living.

I'm gonna be ok :D

This is me... signing off

Standing Still

It is our past that makes us who we are today.

Good and bad.

I've been living in the past for far too long and it's been stopping me from moving into my future.

I've let allot of shit go.
At first it was a relief... it felt good... and things got better.
There isn't the longing... the yearning feeling I once had... and yet I find that I still miss some of the things I left behind.

I'm at a crossroads.

I am so close to something I can taste it.
One more step forward and  it's mine.

Just one more step.

I'm torn between moving on for good or taking a step back.

So for now I find myself here... standing still

Redefine

It's been a while since I've been back here.
A lot has happened... it seems like things are actually coming together.

In earlier posts I have expressed that I've felt like concrete... set in my ways... but theres been a big shift lately, a massive shake up.
I've gone thru all the usual phases... hurt and pain, mourning and reflection, rebuilding, losing hope and finding it again, second chances and letting things go.

All the pieces are falling into place.
It's been a hard road but it feels as if this leg of the journey is almost over.
I feel content in myself and I haven't felt like that in a long time.

Don't get me wrong I still need a lot of work :P but I've made so much progress.
I'm on the home stretch... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel

I'm no longer living in the past nor am I fearful of the future.
I'm ready to start living here and now.

Loving this song right now... the lyrics really speak to me.

2 Days

I lost my phone on Thursday night.

I was having dinner with my ex, the one whom I've become close with again, the wolf in sheeps clothing.
Not wanting to ruin the night I thought nothing of it at the time, until I realised I'd lost more than just a phone.

I'd lost all my contacts, including the number of a certain Japanese gentleman.

I didn't realise how much I wanted to call him until... I couldn't call him.

You think I'd know the number off by heart or have it written down somewhere, or have some other means of being able to contact him but I don't.

I began to panic.

"What if he thinks I'm ignoring him"?

Surely not... surely he knows me well enough to know I wouldn't do that.

Who am I kidding.

He does know me and I would do that :P

The panic was setting in.

What should I do?

I don't want him to think I'm ignoring him but I don't want him to get the idea that I miss him or anything like that.
That would mean I have "feelings" for him... am I ready to acknowledge that?

Maybe he will think I'm avoiding him because I don't want to go to the gym.

Then he'll think I'm lazy... I don't want him to think I'm lazy... why I am concerned with what he thinks of me?

Should I meet him when he finishes work? oh shit I forgot when he's working this week.

I would go to his place but, I don't want to show up unannounced, that would be rude.

Besides what if he has someone over there.
Why do I care if he has someone over there?

It's not like we're together.
Why do I care if he's not my boyfriend?

After this long winded train of thought 2 things have become clear to me.

1. Apparently I do care.

and

2. It's been 2 days and I miss him.

Gone

I was in the city today having lunch with friends and a few drinks with my class mates.

Rebound guy had contacted me recently and we'd exchanged numbers and txts.
I'm not sure why but I messaged him and we ended up meeting.

It was strange seeing him again.

All the feelings that lingered, the way I used to react when he was around were gone.
There was no spark, no chemistry.

Perhaps it's because I still carry baggage when it comes to him.
Part of the reason I have chosen to remain distant, apart from the obvious hurt is that I didnt want him to see me bitter.
I didnt want to be that way and I knew that being around him would bring that out in me.

I haven't seen him since last year.
I was worried when I saw him but my fears were unfounded... there was no bitterness.

But there was no connection either.

He has a great life now. He's been working a steady job and he has had a partner for the last 6 months.
He is happy and I am happy for him.

But... what ever it was we had is gone.
There was no flow anymore.

Everything was a real effort like trying to make small talk with a stranger when your not really interested in what they are saying.

I'm sad.

I had really missed him... but the man I knew is gone.
He's grown up, he's moved on... and here I am living in the past trying to re-capture something I'm not sure ever really existed.

I still love him and wish him the best but there is no feeling anymore.
It is worth trying to re-build a friendship with someone who I was once so close with or is it better to just let it go... only time will tell.

Perspective

This week I've learnt alot about myself.

Thanks to the advise of two very insightful individuals.

Both are distant cousins of mine.
Both are people I respect and admire.

One is like a sister to me... the other I have only just met.
They shared their views of love and life.

It seems I've become concrete... set in my ways... standing still watching everyones else pass me by.
You both really made me open my eyes.

One of you forced me to really look at myself... what it is I want out of life and where I'm going.
The other reminded me to believe... that in a world where everything is fucked up unjaded eyes give hope.

Confronting, and an unclouded innocent perspective.

Jamie
I love you. You are one of my best friends... You know me so well.
You know that once I love someone... when I trust someone enough to really let them in... I never let them go. So I guess that means your stuck with me.
I hope you can turn your insight and that big heart of yours back in on yourself.
You are so much stronger than you know.

Thank you for making me see myself.

and...

Tyrone
It seems you've had a lot of life experience or maybe you just have an old soul.
You are wise beyond your years yet still young and naive.
You gave this old dogg perspective.
It's nice to see things with unjaded eyes... it's been a long time.
I envy you. You are beautiful inside and out. I hope that life is kind to you and that you never lose your way.

Thank you for reminding me of where I came from.

Grey

I miss the simple life.
Back when things were less complicated.

You know the good old days when everything was black & white.

When you knew who you liked... and who you didn't like.
When you loved one person unconditionally and without question.

Am I longing for a bygone era that never really existed?

Is the price of being self aware a blurring of the lines?

All I know for sure is I'm confused.

I should love this guy who actually loves me.
I care a great deal about this man and I could see myself falling in love with him if I let it happen...

But if it is real, should I be able to turn off those feelings so easily?
Thats not my perception of what love is... or at least what I think it's supposed to be.
Maybe my "definition" is in need of an update.

I have cooled things off to the point where we are now just friends.
I am aware that he still wants more but he pretends he's ok with being just friends and I pretend not to notice.
Recently we have been spending more and more time together were even gym buddies now.

I have been seriously considering going to uni next year... the only thing really holding me back is the money.
We were talking about it over coffee last week and he offered to pay for me.
I instantly threw out the idea but he was very persistant.
I only managed to get him to back off by telling him I'd think about it.

I am not at all comfortable with letting him pay for me.
It would be different if we were in a relationship but we aren't.

I would feel obligated or that I owe him more than just a repayment and I don't want that.

We are not together, however...

My ex and I are supposed to "catch up" this weekend.
I know that if we do we will end up sleeping together.

If Hiro and I are just friends...

Then why do I feel like I'm doin something wrong?

Why do I feel like I'm cheating?

I miss when things were black & white.

I hate grey.

Chemistry

The other day I meet up with an ex-boyfriend.
Originally he had asked me out to the movies but I was like "Honey, if were gonna meet up I'm gonna need drinks".

It was good to see him again... strange, but good.

We caught up on each others lives, competing to see who's life is more fucked up.

He won!

Now I know it's wrong and I don't wish anything bad on him but as he was sharing his tales of woe I could not help but laugh.
I laughed my ass off.

I composed myself long enough to say "Karmas a bitch and you know I am too".

He seemed a little annoyed at first but then he couldn't help himself, and laughed with me.

It was a great ice breaker.

After that things loosened up and it was just like old times.
Originally I had agreed to the meeting because I was curious but I had a really good time.

Times change, people change.
We are nothing like we were but the chemistry is still there.

I've missed him and enough time has passed for all the venom he injected me with to work its way out of my system.
He is still a sleazy selfish prick but I know that now so the way I handle him is different.

Let me explain...

I would compare him to a wolf in sheep's clothing.
When we first met I wasn't aware of this, so when he ate me alive it was a complete surprise.
Now that I am fully aware of who and what he is I think we will be ok.

Don't get me wrong I have absolutely no romantic interest in him anymore.
However, having said that if he tries to sleep with me... and I know he will... I won't put up much of a fight

I could be friends with a Wolf

Graduation

Well yesterday I graduated (YAH) for me.

During graduation we took time to reflect on all the things we've done and realise shit all this stuff adds up and we've actually accomplished something.
The day was spent recognising that accomplishment, patting ourselves on the back, and laughing at the struggles it took for us to get here.
I was surprised at just how proud I was of us all, and the strength of the bond shared with my class mates.
Chances are I may never see some of them beyond graduation but today we were as one.

I haven't studied in years and it came as quiet a shock for me to realise not only am I still capable but also I am pretty damn good at it.
I am seriously considering going to Uni full time next year.
The social dynamics made me feel as though I was back in high school.
The cliques, the parties, the heated sexual tensions.... I thought we were supposed to out grow these things but apparently not.

Although it is somewhat of an ego boost to be hit on, on a daily basis, it means next to nothing when your gay and you are targeted by women.
Not just women... old women. I was hunted down in cougar town.
For some reason I seem to be an object of infatuation for old ladies.
The mothers of my ex boyfriends all loved me, some more than their actual sons, and it seems any older women who hasn't realised I am gay tries to fuck me.

Guess I'm too butch for my own good :P

Tonight I'm heading out with my ladies to celebrate!
Congratulations class of 2011... Donna get your hand out of my pants!